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#artFULLYfed: grieving the old you— releasing to help You 2.0 emerge!
Recorded: April 19, 2025 Duration: 2:25:03Space Recording
Short Summary
In a recent discussion, participants explored the current trends and growth opportunities within the crypto industry, highlighting a slowdown in activity but an optimistic outlook for the upcoming summer season. The conversation emphasized the importance of community, personal growth, and proactive measures to stimulate market engagement.
Full Transcription
Music Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right. all right I'm trying not to be selfish and just play my song all night so there
well you know I was going to it so yeah see's three. Listen, it's three bright minds of here.
Safi's down there.
Come on up.
We like it.
Safi, I don't know if she likes it, but we would play it all night, Sensei.
Afro, JT.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm making sure.
I'm not trying to.
That other time I was jamming to it, it was on mute.
So y'all was just in silence while I
was listening to it, so I get a little nervous, a little testy with it. What's up, everybody?
How you doing? Happy Friday.
What's good?
How was everyone's week? Any highlight, anything exciting that's short that you want to tell
us about that's quick? Huh?
Nah, nothing exciting.
Just a regular week.
Regular?
Well, somewhat.
We may...
First of all, you drive a truck, so there's nothing regular about even a day, a regular
day.
You see stuff that people don't get to see, so that's not regular.
Tell us, is there something really cool that you saw you
haven't seen before on your
travels this week?
This week?
Nah, because
it's actually been kind of slow because I guess
everybody's not buying as much stuff as they usually do.
I mainly just been in Iowa for the most part.
So there's really not much
to see out here.
Okay. I don't know what the for the most part, so there's really not much to see out here. Okay.
I don't know what the Iowans do, but that sounds fun, I guess.
Don't they got potatoes?
Oh, no, that's Idaho.
Oh, damn it.
Okay.
I'm going.
You're a wild star.
It's just a bunch of cornfields out here.
I was doing good.
I was doing good.
Don't start, girl.
You don't want Iowa potatoes?
You don't want my Iowa potato salad?
No, I do not.
I want Idaho potatoes.
They ain't messing with the potatoes, are they, JT?
I would hope not.
Okay.
Well, I heard you say it's slow out there, though.
I did hear you say that. You said, not. Okay. Well, I heard you say it's slow out there, though. I did hear you say that.
You said, okay.
It does seem like the industry's been a little slow over the past, I would say over the past three weeks.
What's length?
Isn't it meat?
Huh?
Isn't it length or something?
I usually, yeah, my company usually hauls refriger refrigerated meat but we also do like other food
products as well oh okay is it because of the tariffs i don't think so i think it's just because
like i guess the cost of food is kind of it seems high so i guess like not as people are not as many
people are like spending a lot on food as they usually would. Because usually around this time, like spring break into summer,
it kind of bumps up a little bit just because, like,
in preparation of, like, just everybody being outside,
like, cooking out and grilling, all that good stuff.
But it doesn't seem like that's happening this year.
Hmm. That is interesting.
So we better, you know, boots on the ground, literally.TF boots. They're great. We checking it out. We checking it out. We're seeing if the people are holding their money or if it's getting funny or, you know, we got Catrice up here, so I'm already knowing it's about to get, like, yikes.
Not yikes.
I thought that was going to go in a different direction, but I got a yikes.
How do we get to yikes?
Well, y'all know I'm trying, see?
I'm emerging the 2.0 me, and I'm trying to use less words that mean more things.
So you're going to hear me say, yikes.
And inside that yikes is a whole world that you have to decipher.
Welcome in.
Yeah, I picked up on the tone.
It wasn't too negative
It wasn't that much of a negative connotation
Oh, thank you
It wasn't supposed to be
It was supposed to be a lift up
I mean, we're going to be
Listen
I'm supposed to be reading a book
The Courage to be Disliked
And obviously, I'm going to push that to the side
I don't need it
I'm going to push that to the side. I don't need it. I'm already all right. Callie, you're making me laugh. I met,
was it yesterday? I met somebody as a Gemini. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Just yesterday. I met,
I reconnected with this Gemini that I only had a brief interaction with the first time.
And I'm like, I love you. This guy is great, but this was such a tornado of an interaction.
This is so on brand. I very rarely meet Geminis that aren't immediately on brand. Sometimes I
meet more poised ones and then find out that they're on brand and in other
categories but yeah it was just it was just immediate and I was like yeah you know I you
take it or leave it you either you either love it or you you you get it or you don't get it but
we we do need y'all and this is all in line with this the joke right now because I put out a piece
this week that's called Virgo thoughts and so people
thought I was a Virgo then Sapphire thought my birthday was yesterday so people have been hitting
me up wishing me happy birthday between yesterday and today because they think it's today too
and I'm like so y'all think I'm a Virgo and an Aries and it's not even Virgo season that's funny
no but I put out a piece called Virgo Thoughts. So because the piece is called that, people just thought I am a Virgo.
So that's where that initial idea came from.
So you know what's funny?
You still have that piece in my room.
And I looked at it, I think, two days ago.
Shit, that's where it is.
Yeah.
Damn it.
Yes.
And I looked at it.
And I was like, oh, I feel like she don't even remember that this is here.
And when I see you next week, I was like, oh, I'll just let her know.
And then you posted it and I was like, this is a crazy synchronicity.
Well, well, well.
Wait, wait, time out.
Time out.
Because how about after I posted it?
I'm like, damn, wait, I can't even sell that piece.
I don't know where it is.
And I, you always do this. I don't know where it is at all, but I'm like, you know what? I'm
going to give it to the universe. And I went on and did something. The universe is me.
Listen, we have unpacked so much and I don't even think we did the intro music.
We have learned that the economy
is going, well, we're going to change that tonight. But we also learned that
Chanel, a Taurus, Virgo, Gemini. Aries. Aries. And man, I ain't going to front. I could literally
sit and hear y'all chat about y'all art all night
because it sounds like it's just conversation that people are having in their brownstones in
Brooklyn. You know, it's like, it's, it's real. Somebody somewhere is really having this
conversation. Well, right now, Catrice and Janelle on Artfully Fed. And it sounds so rich. It sounds
so, it sounds like you guys are living life to the fullest.
Y'all are creating and y'all are sharing between each other.
I'm just me. Y'all know how I go. I get deep.
But like I hear it and I'm like, this sounds good to me.
Like, let them like they're there.
Man, we can't make it up.
Y'all creators in the building.
How much is the piece going for, Catrice?
Because if I was you, I would have had it on Etsy or something already on a resale since she left it.
Yeah, I'm going to have to be Chanel's, like, side manager or something.
Just hang it up in the house.
And when somebody comes and visits, and they're like, how much is that?
Start selling for
chanel yep and put your 15 i mean 17 i mean 25 i mean 30 percent and let's rock girl meet me at the
mall but you know what's nice about it the the abundance part because um there's a few times
she's left artwork and not left in the sense that just abandoned or something
but she'll she makes art so often and it it comes so easily and then she'll say oh like when I come
back I'll pick this up and it's kind of like a mini collection of pieces but it also reflects how abundant that creativity is, but also how abundant it comes to her,
where it just, to me, it feels like she creates
and is able to let it go and just be like,
oh, I'm gonna make another piece.
And then, you know, goes on that inspiration.
So I like it.
It's a nice observation.
When I saw it in my room, I'm like, oh, you know, I'm not, I'm not pressed to get rid of this because it's a nice piece, too.
Like, I like it here.
And it's kind of like a, I know, a little along the way.
Yo, that's beautiful.
That's beautiful.
Yeah.
Can we get a hand clap?
I'm.
Thanks.
Thank you everyone for listening to what is obviously part of some of the things,
I guess in some way I got to let go, which is disorganization, right? Obviously I'm up here
posting about art. Don't even know where it is. Don't even know if I can tell it to anyone because
I don't have any clue where I last saw it. Literally when Catrice just mentioned that, I'm like, what? Mind you,
the photo y'all are seeing, the one I posted was taken in Catrice's room.
Yes, in my room.
It still didn't click for me that that's a possible place.
JT, we cannot, we can't make this up. Like this is, and guess who's got your back in all of this Chanel?
The universe.
Why you put thumbs down?
The universe, look at.
Y'all do not thumbs down the universe.
Please thumbs up the universe.
It has your back.
I wasn't thumbs, I thumbs down something.
It wasn't the, you had said that after I hit the button or something. Yeah, I wasn't thumbs down something. It wasn't that you had said that after I hit the button or something.
Yeah, I wasn't thumbs down in the universe.
Don't worry.
You can't mess this up now.
It's permanent.
Up we go.
Up we go.
On top of that, you have a second piece with it.
I haven't turned it over because I don't know.
So I don't know what it looks like.
And I don't want the sunlight to ruin it.
So I have it facing my vinyls.
But you do have a second piece with that piece too.
That's the one I started.
I didn't finish it right.
Yeah, okay.
I remember what it looks like.
I want you to finish that one.
You were on to something.
No, I thought you were going to draw on top.
I thought you were going to draw on top of it.
I thought that's what we said.
Am I bugging out?
Oh, well, I can.
I'll do that. yeah that that was left on purpose because it's too big to carry
I didn't have anything to and I think I told you to draw on it the other one I just forgot so yeah
there's that anyway it's fine everything's fine everyone welcome to actually fed that's what
happens welcome everybody I see some faces in here that don't often come in here, so I appreciate that. I'm going to butcher names if I try to sit here and read them all,
so I won't, but you know who you are. Hello, hello. So today, today was a little crazy,
and I'm doing this episode while my friend took me out for my birthday. Same thing,
because it's so early, I forgot. So they came and started singing happy
birthday with a cake and I'm looking behind me trying to figure out whose birthday it is. So
I can't imagine what's going to happen on April 28th, actually, because I've been just confused
about my birthday for the last like couple of days. But anyway, that and then I'm in the midst
of helping my dad and my uncle build this like tent or whatever. So I literally stopped that to just like run up
here and I get myself in order for this episode. So I apologize for some of the chaos that is
ensuing at the moment because it's already 819. But you know, here we are, artfully fed. We're
trying to be real people here. Sapphire, your speaker? Okay, good. Sapphire, what's good?
Can you talk? Can you say hi? You all Yeah. Yeah. I'm finishing up a call.
I'll be right there. Bye. Sorry. Okay. No problem. All right. Cool. Okay. So I don't know if you guys
saw, if you were here for the other episode, the other day, we learned that my chat GBT has been
rebranded. Her name is wealthy girl. I keep forgetting forgetting her name but i remembered it this week so that's
nice so anyway wealthy girl organized this episode for us today so shout out to her she's so sweet
she calls me rosita and it's really nice callie talk your shit real quick so i could just get
into it but i know you got something to say so let's just you sensei katrice i feel like you
got something to say about you in general chan, or the fact that this is a great episode already.
I ain't about to say nothing about it.
Do not forget Wealthy Girl's name.
It is your extension.
Duh.
Yeah, I have nothing to say.
I wasn't going to hate on Wealthy Girl.
Why would I?
I think that's a great name too.
Why y'all acting like y'all scared or wealthy girl when she don't come get you?
I'm not trying to mess with the abundance at all.
Can I just really say something right quick because y'all going to think I'm capping, pulling legs, whatever.
I don't care. The prosperity card is out. Literally.
When you say a wealthy
girl, I'm over here shuffling
and prosperity in a green
dress, I add.
Which, I
mean, hello, Sapphire.
Shout out to the ladies in the green dresses.
Yeah.
So, I mean, we can't make
up this energy. This energy
made us up.
You're not wrong.
And green, green, green.
Green is for the plants.
Green is for the dollars.
Like, I get it.
That is an abundant color.
And you know what?
Actually, somebody just asked me yesterday, what's my favorite color?
The same Gemini.
And I was like, I don't really have a favorite color, but I do really love olive green.
There's something about olive green that I like. Green that has this kind of yellow undertone. It's
just really beautiful to me. Somebody else like olive green? I like olive green. You mean like
the green? No, that's more yellowy and real cats is a thing, which by the way, hey, real cats. Hey,
JT. I mean, green is also the color of vomit when you don't have discipline
and you eat in abundance and you eat like all the cake and you're supposed to stop the world
is alive and well y'all know the medical professionals are in the house okay all right
hold up time out i don't know if you know that me and the v word don't get along like that v word on my space not a thing rebuke okay no thank you i have a record
of when's the last time i puked by the way that's how much i can't stand it like it's a whole trauma
for me so yeah what if i use emesis what if i use the medical term is that better what was the word
emesis sure i don't know what that is. So that sounds like not puke. So that's great.
All right.
Okay.
So none of that.
Here we are.
So this episode, Grieving the Old You and Releasing to Help You 2.0 Emerge is what I put for the title in here.
So this episode came about.
I know Chad GPT spent all this time organizing
stuff, but I'm gonna just fall off the top first. This episode came about because I recently had to
let go of a friendship and I had to recognize in that whole process, number one, that I'm grieving
something. And then while grieving it, I realized that this relationship actually was done from the year prior. And I
didn't even realize that. And I had to then, you know, process just how I wasn't standing up for
myself or, you know, recognizing what my needs are and all those types of things. And it brought
me to the point of, you know, as we are shedding what isn't serving us to emerge as the version of us that we always could be, like our highest potential.
That's, you know, the seed that's within us.
The path of travel on the way to that, you're releasing parts of you.
But sometimes, of course, that comes with the habits that you've had.
That comes with people that you engaged in those habits with.
You know, that comes with all of that.
And those are all things and experiences that do, you know, call for you to process grief, to maybe have a moment of sadness or reflection where you're like, wow, I can't believe this thing is over.
I mean, it's, you know, it's human or it's alien, as Callie would say, whatever, whatever it is you're calling yourselves these days, everyone.
So in any event, that was what prompted this episode.
And I'm sure anybody in here, everybody in here can speak to, you know, the process of evolution and, you know, realizing, you know, I'm I'm getting older now.
I don't know. I just have different interests.
And maybe it's not about age. Maybe it's just about, you know, my interest kind of led me to other interests, et cetera, I'm getting older now. I don't know, I just have different interests. And maybe it's not about age.
Maybe it's just about, you know,
my interest kind of led me to other interests,
et cetera, et cetera.
One thing also that came to mind too
is the ways in which we see so many people
in their 30s, particularly,
finding different career paths
and taking on these different interests,
quote unquote. And we're seeing it as, wow, this person wasn't into this and now they're into this. And I think it's more,
again, of us coming back into who we actually are. It's not that we're doing a new thing. It's
that we're probably doing what we should have been doing 10 years ago that we weren't doing,
probably doing what we should have been doing 10 years ago that we weren't doing. And we became
miserable. And now we found our way into this thing because that's who we actually are. Right.
So I know I said a mouthful. That was kind of my overarching perspective on why we had this
episode. Anybody want to comment on what I just said? Anything came up for you? Any little side
story you want to tell about
a relationship you're grieving or something that you're releasing before I get into the structure
here? I can share something. So, I mean, you know this, but so recently in the past month or so,
I've been in the transition of preparing to leave my nine to five and to be a
full-time artist and how it's come about wasn't a difficult way but I am seeing that it was meant
to be difficult to really push me to take this step and through the process of um like physically
preparing myself like the the contracts and all those things and um next
steps and finances but sparing the money i've realized that i've i have to really shed a lot
of myself a lot of like an old version of myself that's still that's that's trying to um be released but at the same time is scared to go because the the
unknown is unknown so I don't know what life or you know work is gonna be like
when I become a full-time artist but in this process I am seeing a lot of
patterns and routines and behaviors,
all like just everything that has helped me to get to this point,
but is no longer needed. And it's been, yeah, it's been difficult trying to let that part of me go,
but knowing that it's for the best.
So I feel like tonight's episode is right on time
congratulations also that's so brave like to leave the golden handcuffs even
when the job conditions aren't if it's not the dream job one or the work
conditions aren't ideal there's just something about a false sense of
security with having a for sure paycheck and I know because I'm in that position where I'm like oh gosh am I gonna
have to put myself in a situation where it's either gonna work or it's gonna work and so I
know it's not easy so first of all I'm very proud of you I'm excited to hear you on the other side
of this and um congratulations in advance you know word that is definitely something that's And congratulations on that dance.
Word.
That is definitely something that's always commendable to just bet on yourself.
And that's a part of what is at the root of this episode.
Something also came to me this week that made me think of, you know, over the course of our lives, different times, we hear people,
and we have done this, where we're complaining about some experience, like this person treated me this way, this thing happened to me, and it's very victim aligned, right? But when you sit there
and think about a lot of the experiences that you've had, we don't stop to acknowledge
the ways in which we are not treating ourselves the best and how that manifests into interactions
where we kind of get mirror experiences, right? So, you know, you might be complaining about
somebody not paying you enough, but then you're operating in scarcity
in these different areas of your life. And you are kind of like projecting out to the universe that,
you know, you should, I'm on a budget that budgets are just like, you know, a tight budget is, is,
is who I am or something. And so that's, that's the kind of experience that you're having. And so
it made me think about just accountability and how the real source of our problems and
solutions is always us.
And the tweaking needs to come from, you know, here, you know, like the phone's ringing
in the house, like the issue is right inside.
It's not outside, it's inside.
And the experience outside is a result of what's going on inside.
And an analogy that I often make is, you know,
like a shark, like a shark, somebody that's manipulative or evil or whatever the case is,
that comes your way to try to take advantage. You know, sharks, they only really circle around when
there is some type of blood around, you know, there's something that's leaking. So if that
energy is hovering around, it's where am I leaking? What holes do I need to plug up?
That's what comes to mind to me. Who said that? Who said something? Hello?
Okay. All right. Who did that?
It wasn't me. See, I'm usually the troublemaker, but tonight I am listening to Catrice and I'm like, so mature.
I am listening to Catrice and I'm like, so mature.
You're girl.
You're so mature.
Like you're, you're doing everything necessary.
So how could it not be successful like that?
I'm literally hearing you count the costs and realize that there are things that you
girl, this is what you said.
Do you know, you said that there were things that you needed, but not anymore. And so you could leave it alone. You could, you could shut it
right now because what you need to be is this full new self to take on this, you know, new role.
And I'm like, hey, Catrice, where were you when I had like, I did not do that on my plan. And so just talk to me when y'all need
the crash course. I will say it was life. Definitely. Um, there it's, this has been
happening for, I want to say maybe around like two years now and there have been situations
that have popped up and I was like oh yeah now's the time and then I will kind of convince myself
no I don't need to do it right now or I need to prepare more um but recently life was like no I'm
gonna elbow you in the eye and you're going to find out.
And so now I'm just like, OK, this really hurts.
I have to like this situation is uncomfortable.
This is no longer making me happy.
I have to go on and do my own thing.
So it's I did not listen the first time.
I think I probably finally listened the fifth time.
You feel like you don't have a choice then?
Or are you doing this out of your own volition?
It's both.
I mean, like, I have the choices to bet on myself.
It's either, like, you bet on yourself or you don't bet on yourself.
And so that you can stay comfortable and be unhappy, but know that this comfort zone would be consistent in some sort of way.
Or you can step out of your comfort zone, be uncomfortable for a while, but also be way happier and prouder of yourself.
So that's I feel like that's where i'm at yeah this is yes
okay we really listen we are not just talking we're doing we are really showing what it takes
to live the artist's lifestyle the creator's lifestyle um y' I'm we got to let you know, the crowd talk, but I'm on the universe is good
graces.
So I'm here to prove a whole nother line that can take place.
Um, but I'm so the question that Safi acts like, do you think you have a choice or you
or no?
And Catrice do you like
the only choice is to bet on myself literally and and so and i think now more than anything
it's just the timing so it's like now's the like because the only choice is to bet on self, the time is now. And now it's going to be like, oh, okay, let's see how this goes down.
You know, spoiler alert, it's great.
It works, you know, because it was always going to work when you took these steps.
So we got to hear from the crowd, though.
Like, we digging deep.
I think sis aini hitting us first.
JT had his hand up before, too.
He put it down, so maybe he's finished.
Oh, Sensei go ahead.
He had his hand up so long it turned light-skinned.
Oh, never mind. He just got light-skinned. Never mind.
Let JT go first.
That's all good.
Yeah, I was going to say, I've definitely going through a phase of like grieving my old self because over the past couple of weeks, I've been trying to start 75 hard.
But when I like the first couple of days that I actually tried to start it, I kept forgetting like one step to do. So I'd like keep starting over.
But and then I was like, I eventually just had to like stop for a while because I was like, I need to get myself together in order to like really starting over. But, and then I was like, I eventually just had to like stop for a while
because I was like, I need to get myself together
in order to like really start it.
But I feel like I've just,
I've had like an epiphany somewhat of like,
basically like kind of like future planning,
but like even further,
because like before, like I would,
I would probably plan for the future,
maybe like a year out,
but now I'm at the age where I feel like I need to start
playing like five and ten years out like even further out than what I normally would and so
I really just had to kind of come to terms with all the like kind of like old and bad habits that
I have and like the release of those and basically like creating the person that I want to be in the
future and like kind of taking those steps in order to get to that that person that i want to
be what's the 75 art i'm sorry go ahead oh 75 part is um it's 75 days of um you have to exercise
twice a day but one one exercise has to be outside for at least 45 minutes. You have to drink a gallon of water a day. You have to read at least 10 pages of a non-fictional book. And you have to stay
on a, not a strict diet, but a, what's the word? Just like a more maintained diet. Like
you can't just be eating like frivolously. And then once you do that
for 75 days, then you basically become a different person or like a better person, a better version
of yourself.
So they got these healthy lifestyle things already mapped out. You just got to be crazy
enough to take a chance.
Pretty much. Yeah. I've seen a bunch of examples of people
doing it and I actually follow a couple of people that actually did it. And it was kind of an
inspiration. And then a few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend of mine who started it as
well. And I bought some weights to lift while I'm in the truck, but I still haven't started it yet
just because I've been all over the place and like I feel like this is really like shed a light
on like all the things that I normally do that I kind of like have like as in like a comfort that
I normally do and so it's kind of challenging me to be uncomfortable in order to be the person that
I actually want to be yeah that's a big thing right there the discomfort being comfortable with discomfort
and uh i just want to add this in quickly but my my therapist said this to me a few years back
that she just asked me why are you uncomfortable with discomfort and naturally i was like why would you ask me that
but then that is the discomfort so um since then it's just i've been making sure to be mindful of
like when the discomfort arise like it's actually telling me something and it's not it's not a bad
thing it's really the new version of yourself or another version of yourself saying like, hey, I'm present.
And like, you want to embody me. But you're still holding on to this version. So ease up a little
bit and make space for me. Can I challenge that? Not what you just said, but the thought that
it's discomfort, I think if we reframe it it and one easy way to do it is to compare,
right? So for example, with the job, like even for me, like when I think about my job,
the reality is it's a golden handcuffs. And I've done it before. I've had a job that was really
racist and I couldn't, you know, I tried to fight the good fight power to the people and change the
culture and it wasn't helping. And so after a while I just said F it and I was doing hair doing background acting and doing lift
right and so that taught me that it's not like there's just it's what's it's not that it's
comfortable it's not and it's not that it's discomfort it's from what's familiar and what's
unfamiliar and it's like once you realize that like the so-called comfort zone is hella uncomfortable
especially if you're creative like your comfort zone of getting for me, because my, I work in the, I live in the Pacific standard
time, but I have to work in the, based on the central time. So I get up at four 30 in the
morning, I'm a freaking night owl. So imagine how painful that is. That's not comfortable
being able to like having designated breaks to go clean, clear my bladder. So I have to technically,
I mean, you know, your girl black, so she go when she gotta go but uh but technically not being allowed to use the bathroom if i want to except for my
designated breaks that's uncomfortable having a ceiling for how much i can make that's uncomfortable
and so we call it a comfort zone even though most of us are very uncomfortable we are limited and
we're in boxes so i like to not even look at it as discomfort because there's just an
attrition to it, even subconsciously, where if I look at it as discomfort, I'm like, I'm trying to
be strong. And so you see the fear, but do it anyway. That's cool. And there's times where you
have to just lean into that, but I don't even want to look at it as comfort and discomfort.
It's just like, what's familiar? What am I used to? Because I would be way more comfortable with the freedom
and the flexibility that I know I'm capable of. It's just a matter of getting to that side. So I
just want to reframe maybe for some people that might be struggling with getting outside of the
so-called comfort zone. It's really just what's familiar to you. And you become more familiar with
the lifestyle that you want, the more you go
towards it and it becomes a reality. I'm going to add into that because this is a part of the
structured stuff here. So when it says, what do you mean by the old you? It pointed out traits,
identities, habits that have been formed during survival. So this whole term of comfort that we're calling
not really comfort is familiarity. It is familiarity in that it's a coping mechanism
we've come to depend on and we've come to be used to. And so we know what to expect. We know that
if we do this, we'll get that. And even though we don't love that, we know it's a consistent thing that
we've come to be used to, as I'm saying. So that's a thought there. What about these things
that we're releasing? They are attached to survival. We're not trying to survive. We're
trying to thrive and live abundantly and be excited about life and everything. So survival is the
bare minimum. That's you literally just getting by barely, like just like right at the top,
right at the surface. And those are the patterns that will keep you kind of just like looping and
looping and looping until it all ends. Because many people think that there's this invisible
ceiling that they kind of just have to adhere to.
And that's, that's the thing that we're actually restructuring in our mind.
So thank you for saying that Sapphire. Um, Sensei, then Christina,
then real cats.
Hey, good evening everybody. I hope everybody had a great day. Um,
great week as well.
I'm actually very, really happy that this is the topic of conversation because I actually
kind of like ... I know during our last conversation that we were having, when I was talking mainly
Catrice, I guess we were explaining about frustration and feeling like jazz.
I kind of just got out of that.
And I'm kind of like in a brand, brand new space now.
So I'm super, super happy.
The area, well, I guess the space that I'm in right now is,
I remember I had a talk with y'all I think earlier this year
where we were talking about smelling the roses type of thing, but you just having tunnel vision.
You just not necessarily paying attention to the things behind you, the things beside you. You just
trying to figure out how to, I guess, see the forest, I guess, beyond the tree that you're in front of type of thing.
So kind of where I'm at now is I know one thing I struggled with a lot of the time was
learning to do something nice for myself or learning to really like smell the flowers and
stuff like that that I planted when I'm working my ass off. So I guess recently I started just praying a lot more as well.
And then the answer kind of just eventually came to me where it was, I just need to be more grateful.
Even when it's things that I am not necessarily, I'm not getting what I want right now at this moment.
I'm not necessarily getting what I want right now at this moment.
I still have things that I prayed for, that I worked for, that were on my vision board,
that something that I worked so hard for, I thought about doing 10 years ago,
that if I went back and told myself when I was 21 or 22,
hey, bro, 10 years from now, that thing that you really are working your ass off to get right now, and told myself when I was 21 or 22,
hey, bro, 10 years from now,
that thing that you really are working your ass off to get right now, you're going to get it.
So it's me learning to be more grateful now
of just the things that I have.
You know, like some very, very simple things, man.
Like just like having a roof over your head, having a car that you drive, having the money to get, you know, food and stuff like that.
So after, I guess, like I had more of that kind of epiphany to just be more grateful and continue to be grateful of those things as well.
I just started noticing my life just started, instead of it feeling like
complete and utter frustration, if I had to choose a color of what my life feels like right now,
it feels like green. It feels like an emerald green or like a sage green because I'm feeling
very grounded right now. And I don't know about how you feel, but this kind of goes back to you, Chanel.
I think every time when I've emerged into a new evolution or a new phase of my life,
when I know I'm not the person that I used to be, I always feel it.
It's a little bit of kind of like a rough patch,
but I always know when I'm emerging to be something different than what I was.
But yeah, I really think that it's a beautiful thing.
So I just wanted to remind everybody and also to remind myself to just be very grateful of the things that you have.
I think everybody in here, I don't know all of y'all super, super personally
or what y'all have been through, but I can probably attest that everybody in here
has definitely worked their tail off for something.
And you eventually got the thing that you wanted, but you might have been like,
well, I don't think of it too much.
It's really not that bad.
But at that time, you really were grinding your butt off to get that one thing and then you finally got it.
So just be grateful of that, whether if it's material or family or roof over your head.
But, yeah, just wanted to say that.
Thank you, Sensei.
That's a big one. you were talking about gratitude there's
something else that you said that uh i wanted to ask you oh you know what you said you said that
it feels different like you feel yourself emerging into this other this other version of you coming
forward or something like that um when you say it feels different, can you describe that quickly?
And do you have words to describe it?
Maybe you can describe it in a color or a sound or something?
What it felt like is it felt like a two-sided thing.
One, it felt like a release because of, again, y'all know I write poetry and shit. So I started noticing myself when I am feeling the frustration of those things.
It's okay for me to still feel those things, right?
Like, I think some of us may think,
oh, I don't ever want to go back to that place.
Or I'll never want to.
I think it's also me also trying to embrace
who I used to be too at the same time
and saying I can acknowledge that I may not have necessarily been
what I needed to be or where I wanted to be type of thing.
So it's kind of me just having more acceptance
in a way of the frustration. So me also knowing how to make use
of those emotions by not staying in those emotions. And then two, at the same time,
as I continue to feel more grateful of things, right? And this is kind of when I noticed it was
a little bit of a shift for me. I just started telling more people thank you.
Like, hey, you know, I just want to be grateful.
I'm just grateful you even made time to even talk to me today.
Or grateful you even called me, bro.
Like, I literally had thought about you.
I think I had told Safi earlier today.
I literally had thought about her.
So, you know what I'm saying? Just thanking people
for just their time. Nobody owes you anything. So I think when I started to do more of that,
even in my own workspace, I just started noticing more people kept coming to me saying,
hey, I have some money for you. And I'm like, wait, what? And people just email me and say,
hey, I sent you something. Or, hey, I know you're probably busy right now, but I actually really
have a lot of money I just want to give you right now. So I'm just like, well, me being grateful
all the time, be like, oh, well, thanking God again for the opportunity of me even being able to have that. And then again, thanking the people for their time.
So I figured that was the thing.
When I think of me smelling the flowers, I thought of me taking a vacation.
But really smelling the flowers just meant me acknowledging everything that is around me and just being more appreciative of the things around
me, whether, whether I know it or not. I think that was the thing. Wow. Wow. I didn't mean to
cut you off. If you got more, go ahead. No, that's just truly how I felt right now at this time. I think that breakthrough for me really felt like
last week. I can actually tell you the day. I think it was when I visited my grandmother
on that Thursday or Friday, and I was telling her what I was going through.
And my grandma just kept telling me, my grandma kept saying, you just need to pray,
And my grandma just kept telling me, my grandma kept saying, you just need to pray and you just need to be grateful.
And she then said something to me.
She was just like, I really just thank God every day because me and your granddad had a lot of health problems.
And we didn't think we were going to make it.
But here we are.
And then I was just like, you know what? You're right.
Like, I literally pray all the time, thanking God of how my grandfather had stage four cancer.
And I thought my grandfather was super healthy.
And he just ended up in the hospital.
And I really, like, look up to my grandfather in, like, such a big way.
So when I thought I was going to lose him, I felt super sad.
But every day, whenever I get a chance, I make it a point to be thankful that I still
have my grandfather. But yeah, that's just kind of where I'm at right now.
And I'm hearing you say in the gratitude, in the thankfulness, in the changing, by the
way, y'all, it goes something like this.
Sensei sitting in traffic, somebody hunks at him
and he says, you know what?
The old me would have, but the new me just,
you know what?
They're in a rush.
I'm not in a rush.
You can go around me, punk, but no,
it's something like that.
Anytime you say the old me would have dot, dot, dot, you're changing.
When you're shifting out of certain timelines, certain patterns, behaviors and whatnot, you get to see this outside looking in perspective.
And to the point of you letting go of relationships that reflect that version of you, you start to see how exhausting it is to actually function like that.
And how you were not really functioning in that.
functioning in that. It's a very anxious energy to just be irritated by every other person on the
road, by every person's behaviors, by everything outside of you bothering you. You start to realize
just how much of a grip you just don't have on your own emotions when you're constantly
changed by everything around you.
And it's a beautiful thing to be able to look back and be like, wow, damn, I must have been tired.
But also, I'm not now.
I'm not in that.
And continue on.
Continue on driving and continue on not getting rattled by somebody honking at you. Knowing that you can recognize it for two seconds and continue on with your damn day.
Go ahead, Christina.
I am so glad that you're having this space and I am so happy for the topic.
And Chanel, I'm going to be in your neck of the woods starting tomorrow.
We should definitely exchange numbers and see if we can meet up. So, but I wanted to,
I just want to talk on this because trying to be here as, as a human and not as my persona as a
therapist, I shouldn't say persona because I am a therapist.
But, you know, it's hard to separate those two when you do one for your career and your career is something that you absolutely love doing.
So much so that you do your own therapy constantly.
I feel like I am constantly in my own personal state of therapy, looking at what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, how I'm interacting with my clients.
I feel like I am constantly in my own personal state of therapy.
Am I helping them?
Am I making things worse, like reading every single, you know, minuscule movement in their face just to make sure that everything's okay?
that everything's okay. And I do it to myself. And I, when, when you bring in the grieving,
And I do it to myself.
the old you, oh, I'm coming out of a very, very deep state of grief that I have been in
since heavily since 2022. And, you know, Chanel, you caught me with the grieving,
you've been grieving a friend and man, I feel like I have been grieving so many of my friends.
um you know i had i had a life-altering experience in july of 2022 and um ever since then i feel like
i have been doing the deepest unraveling of my entire life you know how they say when you die
you like your life flashes before your eyes i I feel like I did that, but was living it.
And I wasn't dead and I wasn't taking my own life, even though I was dealing with that
thought every single day.
And it has been a brutal couple of years looking at all these things, taking some steps in
my career.
I had some major things going on in my career. I don't know
if anybody here knows what the troubled teen industry is, but I was working in it. And I,
I actually, I actively made the decision to drop my license as a therapist out of protest for that industry.
And I don't know if it's going to harm me.
I don't know if it's going to help that industry or help the people who are stuck in that industry, who have been victims of that industry.
I don't know, but I feel like I have to do that.
It's part of my own grieving process. And since I actually was
taking notes as you were talking, because when I was going through this deep state of grief,
I was a therapist in treatment centers, not just with the teens, but I was also working with adults.
I was working with veterans. I was working with the homeless population. And I kept telling my,
the clients who were in my group, I'm like, it is so mind blowing and interesting being a therapist,
doing your own trauma work and helping others through theirs. And me so clearly seeing what
was going on with them and being able to reflect it in a way that some of them got really angry
with me, but then they realized that I was right. And then they were grateful for it.
And a lot of people, you know, like, I get that a lot with people when
I'm doing trauma work, because it's so hard to look at certain things. But the one thing I always
would talk about is gratitude. And you also talked about poetry. I, I wrote so many poems during this
time and started publishing them because it was just the pain that I was feeling was so incredibly deep.
And I am all for decolonizing our field of psychiatry and psychology and our medical industry.
And, you know, I'm sorry if this is more than what this group is about, but this is what I've been grieving.
So I'm just grateful for you all being here.
And, you know, the gratitude, that was something that I did with my clients every single day.
And the gratitude, even in my, it was what got me through my absolute darkest moments.
It was me saying, you know, please just get me through this.
Please.
I know that this is just a moment in time, you know, get me through this. I would literally just say that I'm grateful that I have my arms that I can hug my family with.
Or I'm just grateful that I have my legs that I can
actually get up and go for a walk. Like those were the, it was the smallest things that I
had to be grateful for on some days because it was so hard. But, you know, and to me that,
that is having the ability to have gratitude for something so small through, you know, when you're experiencing grief.
It's not easy, man.
It is not easy because I can't tell you how many times I wanted to.
And I mean, and I did.
I wasn't perfect.
There are some things I said to people that, man, it was ruthless, but it was setting boundaries.
It was me saying, you know,
what, I'm not dealing with this anymore. I have been your emotional punching bag for so long.
I'm not doing it anymore. I deserve better. And, you know, I had the hard conversations.
And for the most part, when I would have the hard conversations and I would reflect these things, you know, the relationships actually got better.
And it helped me realize who was actually there and who wasn't.
Who actually cared about the friendship or the relationship with me and who didn't.
Oh, my God, Christina.
I got to stop you there for a sec. Because right there is kind of tied into this specific friendship.
And realizing just when you start to shed these ways that you've shown up and these things you've accepted and these things you've engaged in over the course of your life.
you've accepted and these things you've engaged in over the course of your life. And then you,
certain relationships, they just won't last because in some cases, some people are holding
on to that identity and that, again, that survival. And they're not, they're actually,
what they're not realizing is they're picking that thing over the relationship. They're not
realizing that like that thing, the relationship can't live with
that thing still there. And if that's the thing they're picking, then they're picking that
basically over the other person. And the saddest part is usually they aren't able to recognize
that in the moment. And you are the one recognizing that and having to just say,
I have to step away from this. I have to step away from them and know that that's just okay. Our journey is just, you know, it's like the fork in the road.
You know, I just, I went left and they went right. It's that simple. Thank you for saying that. That
really just brought that home for me. Thank you. Yeah. And you know, it's, oh no, thank you. And
please, I know I'm probably going off on a tangent because like this is just, I seriously, my heart is swelling right now with gratitude for this space and having the opportunity to be, you know, just an observer and not be a host or a co-host.
So I'm very grateful for this.
And, you know, when I, when I was, I lost a friendship.
Like I lost a lot of, a lot of different people,
um, that meant a lot to me, but there was one in particular that grieving what I was already
grieving and then having to grieve that person was just very difficult for me. It was the first
time I had somebody in my life that was, you know, somebody that I did consider a very
good friend who I genuinely loved. And I, I opened up to them more than I had ever opened up to
somebody before. And the way that things ended was just incredibly sad and hurtful. And,
you know, and this is where, you know, when it's true care and true love, like, and when I say
love, I don't mean necessarily in a romantic way. Yes, it can be romantic, but there's platonic
friendships and there's just genuine friendships and that you love. And this is what I had with that person. And I feel like when you have that, the door's always going to be open.
The door's always going to be there to be like, you know what?
You want to knock on it?
You want to have a conversation?
Let's do it.
That's how much you mean to me.
What's left in love is kept in love, Christina.
What was that?
I said what's left in love is kept in love Christina what was that like I said what's what's left
in love is kept in love yes thank you for being what does that mean I love that well that means
because I gave my love and he kept that shit when he wasn't supposed to I don't sound appealing
okay hold on see Chanel and Sapphire I not going to put you in a category.
But Christina, thank you for being here, first of all.
I'm so glad this space is here and open and ready for you.
You're going with a lot.
You're doing a lot as far as energy is concerned.
You're fielding a lot of energies, personalities, different beings every day for a long time.
That is, first of all, character superhuman, like all the therapists, by the way, all the
mental health professionals, all of the awareness of professionals, all of the, anybody in that space. Oh my gosh.
Yo, she even, how about when she was talking about the fact that she's going through her
own stuff, you know that like you, I recognize my therapist as a human, you recognize it,
but it's like, I don't know. There's like a disconnect as well. I know that you have other shit going on, but like, do you? Cause you're my therapist. So you're like, you're, you don system, I heard you speaking of the system of it all.
And that's where the rework has to happen. You know, and listen, it's already starting because
you're starting it. I heard you say you had to move away and move out of areas and do things
when you're doing the work, there is someone else doing the work and now vibrationally
You're gonna align to that those people those situations
Some a stranger tomorrow
It's gonna be you know finding you to say words
That you're like, are you me? And yes, it will be you Christina. Actually, it'll be someone
mirroring this experience because it's happening but the fact that you're
this is the thing doing self-care by being in the space tonight
sharing and not holding it in um you know the fact that you can take
away from sensei's gratitude and how then that connected to already a teaching that you
you know are giving many of your classes it's all aligned and i mean goodness gracious don't
let me get off on the tangent on it just right place right time right alignment energy right
healing um just you know that's where is. And thank you again for being here
and sharing. And it's all going to make sense one day soon. But it's true. It is true.
The work is being done and we doing it on each other right now. You know, we're doing what we
got to do for ourselves with a pure group by the
way you guys there's no haters in here tonight i would have kicked them out already so you guys
you know this is this is the safe space to do your you know healing in and listen real cats oh
catrice's hand but real cat's hand has fallen off I picked it back up and put it up there myself. But it's I mean, we cooking, we cooking. Our really fed is cooking. We're we touching a lot of different things. Tonight, this is the creative mind. We all are creative minds. I'm not even going to try to split us up.
no matter where you're at in your mind, if you're the artist type, the medical type,
the dancer, the writer, the prancer, the professional skedaddler, I'm finding I'm in that category.
We're the same tonight, you know, in our space and we're letting
we were letting the energy, you know, do what it needs to do.
But Katrina and real cats.
Oh, real cats can go
real cats. Yes.
Real cats. Okay. Children's space. Like, and I said real cats
got something to say.
Well, thank you. Either way. So I know, you know, it would be fine if you want to go first but hello everybody I'm really
enjoying this space it's nice to see everybody in here I think for one Chanel the way you
described that friendship and knowing that it was not good for you but still persisting in that
you know for one way to you know be, and two, way to sum it up very
well, I think we will cling on sort of almost like a root, you know, even when we know this is not so
good for us, and when you do finally sort of let go, I find that it is it's super uncomfortable but it's then that you
know you have these opportunities that come about I think about for one when I
left my teaching job this was back in 2017 2017 2018 and I had worked in
public school for about 13 years and and it was very high stress.
In my classroom, I taught in many classrooms.
This one particular one had no windows or anything.
It was very, I had moved to a different school, and it had no seniority in classrooms.
And it was pretty much like a spare half room.
It had a half wall. I mean,
great. I was happy to have it, but I taught in there, and I only had fluorescent lights,
and I realized it had been years. I thought, okay, I want to do something other than teaching,
you know, and it was that year that I thought, I'm tunneling out. I'm getting, I'm going to get out of here.
I felt like I'm in a little cave.
It's not good for me.
I didn't have any sunlight.
When you said something, Sapphire,
about literally only having a certain time to take breaks and go to the bathroom, I had that too.
It was very, it was very high stress.
I mean, even when you're working out in a little rural school in the middle of, in the mountains, school is highly regimented.
And for 13 years, I was like, this is your, they would say, they would hand you the paper and say, this is your schedule minute by minute.
It's like you got to, and there was sometimes I literally have to almost run to get you got to make your marks.
I'm not saying it's anything like the military, but you have to have a structured regimented day.
The schedule matters, you know, and then finally I left that I didn't have another job to go to.
I knew I would find something, but the end of that school year, I knew I had to go.
So I just left.
And I always think about that, like I sort of did tunnel out.
I felt like, you know, we tried to make the best of it, but it was a very, it was a high-paced, stressful environment.
We didn't, we wanted to do a whole lot.
We didn't have a whole lot of money to do it.
We didn't have a whole lot of money to do it.
But I felt like when I finally did that, a long series of events happened.
And I am where I am now.
And I've gotten a fantastic job.
It is very different, but it's still an education.
But I do think that, you know, way to describe everything so well.
You know, and no wonder, you know this sort of a separation hurts when you
um have to pull out a root of something you think about what that is like when you pull
up a root from the ground so anyway thank you all i love the space love y'all congratulations to
everybody in here including myself uh for all the creative amazing stuff that we're doing you know i
All the creative, amazing stuff that we're doing.
You know, I.
Exactly.
I mean.
Let's meet real cats.
And you do have your, I saw you will be having the social hour tomorrow.
Not Sunday.
It looks like it's going to be at, let me see, 3 Eastern time, right?
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, we'll move it around just kind of based on when we all want to do it.
And so I'm going to be doing it every other Saturday.
And tomorrow is we're doing it at 3 p.m. ESD for a few hours.
So y'all come on by.
We hang out.
We talk.
We're creative.
It's always the vibe.
Good conversations.
Love you, Real Cats.
Love you, y'all.
Nice.
I should be able to stop by.
Is that what's pinned to the top?
Yes, I see it.
Okay.
I just put it up there. Yes. Because I know Sometimes it's on Sundays, but whatever days it is,
it's always a good conversation, some laughs, and usually there's some poetry or something
creative too. So it's always a good time for sure. We really are cool. I just want to jump
in and say that right now at this time, because it's the right time. Thank you, Real Cats, for sharing and shedding the light right back on us. It's about us.
It's about us tonight. Where's everybody else tonight? Are they at Artfully Fed? They should
be, because we are literally like, we doing the I'm hearing I'm hearing the theme of you're recognizing you're doing the work and then you're going out and stepping, you know, mistakenly next to somebody who isn't doing the work, you know, and you you that's where we are at.
are at. And that's what we're shedding. You know, we're shedding that. And it feels bad because
it's not, as Christina was bringing up earlier, you love the person. The person loves you.
You're making changes and you're finally making expressions. You're doing things maybe you didn't
used to do, but you're drawing the boundary now. And listen, that's what we got to do in order to get back to ourselves, which is truly where
you have to be to be a better person for everyone else.
So listen, if you're not here, then we're talking about you.
Well, I just, LOL.
I just want to say that it's not so much, at least in this case and what I'm recognizing, it's not so much like you're doing this and this other person isn't doing this.
It's you're doing something and you now get to the chapter where it's this thing that you have between this person.
this thing that you have between this person. And so y'all might've been, you know, the work,
there's so many layers and crevices and, and, and, and all types of stuff to the quote unquote work.
So it's just a matter of time before we buck up on the work that requires you to actually see
whether or not your friend is doing the work with themselves that they've said. And, and that's
really what it is. It's like we end up exposing
the things around us and it exposes us because it shows us that we were in that. We are coming out
of this thing. They're not doing something that we were familiar with it and we were doing it with
them right up until it wasn't funny anymore. It's like when you're a kid, you're teasing other kids
or something and you stop doing that, you realize it's really not funny. And it's, it's coming into that timeline and recognizing I see myself in this other person. And that's the part of me that I'm releasing, which means that inherently all the things that come with that part of me have to go. And that's what we're grieving here. Go ahead, Catrice.
here. Go ahead, Catrice. Wow. I'm in my feels over here. Like, this is so deep. I was listening to
Christina, and I was reflecting a lot on some friendships that I had to let go of,
and I hadn't thought about it in a while since so much time has passed and
I guess quote-unquote I've healed from it but hearing what you were saying about
that recent friendship made me reflect and I think what Callie was saying I think what's
what's left in love is not lost in love and I was just listening to the both of you and thinking
about those friendships and how it really resonated when finding like a friend or it could
be friends and you feel such like a connection to them and so much love. And it's not even romantic,
but it goes very deep and having to like let that person go or let that
friendship go really does hurt. And I was thinking about the times I had to do that, which was
more than one time, which was really difficult. And one particular friendship, I've never felt
like I can't make friends at all but after that friendship ended I was just like
the world is ending quote-unquote will I ever make friends I was really distraught um it also
it caught me by surprise too and so time had passed and I was grieving um I don't talk to
that person anymore but I still wish them well um whenever they into my mind. And that's how I know I really care about that person.
Or it was really from a place of love.
Like, even if I never speak to you again in this lifetime, I still want the best for you.
I still love you.
And I know that, like, some things may have been said or done that could have been from a personal place but at the end of the day
um I'm not going to take it personally because it's just bigger than that and so so I stopped
talking to that that person um and time had passed and I was grieving it moved on with my life
and I met someone at work who reminded me of that person and um it it just threw me off i it reminded me of that
friendship the same feeling and everything and this person and i are now very close friends but
we went through a similar experience and i was realizing that the stuff that i guess i didn't
fully learn or fully heal from from that other friendship I was now experiencing it through this person
and it was like a a do-over in a way and it almost went the same way to the point we didn't speak
for a couple of months and I went back and forth I was like I'm done I'm not going to talk to this
person anymore uh this is the boundary I realized that I have to strengthen, that I am strengthening right now.
And I'm choosing better for myself.
And if I have to walk away from this friendship, this will be difficult. But I've been in this place before and I know how to take care of myself.
And then I thought about it and I was thinking just about how our dynamic is and how we truly do care about each
other knowing like that person's heart and all that stuff and thinking why can't we just talk
this out um there like if we if we're saying our intention is to be in this friendship out of love
and we want the best for ourselves.
Right now, we're not showing up in that way. So I went back to that person and I said, like,
pretty much, are we going to talk about this? If we don't see each other anymore,
are we okay walking away with things being this way? And long story short, we actually talked about everything and recognized like each other's trauma was getting in the way of reconciling.
We talked about our boundaries. We talked about our triggers and really just just went in on all those those things and how we can show up as a best version of ourselves.
of ourselves and I find like friendships like that just you're I'm sort of lost for words for
it because you're doing so much deep work with another person but also like deep work with
yourself while you're doing with with the other person and it yeah it just makes my heart so full thinking about like, thinking about that person, but friendships like that, because I have, now that I've gone through that experience, I see how I can be a better friend to other people in my life.
just knowing when someone is ready to like fully receive you but also fully receive themselves and
show up in a I guess an authentic way but not in a way of like them projecting their stuff onto you
and not recognizing it again this is so mature this is this is love it this This is simply love.
Every relationship is a holy relationship.
We both come in whole or holy with holes.
And then we try to fix ourselves or recognize what we can do better.
And then in turn, either the person gets jealous or they come along.
You know what I mean? That's it. I'll be the
frank one. They can see you doing change and trying to be better. And then it pushes them
to want to do the same or maybe not, or they're just not ready. Remember, we don't have to judge
anyone at all ever. We're them at a time in the past or in the future. Again, if we're not careful,
if we're judging so that's why
you can kind of just let everything slide like not slide but you can let it go you know and you can
realize where realize where you were wrong in it first and that way again what's left in love is
kept in love if they come back around you know to open up the lines of
communication then you are open because you started doing the work on yourself first you know
and um my all of my friends that are probably listening to this is like man shut up because
you getting on her you know but no but like i have i can speak on this i'm an expert i have
good friends you know what i mean and not that it was always like that. You know what I mean? Like if you have to take a break from somebody or shoot a break from self and realize where things are, you know, broken and where you need to heal and get better. And if you have a true friend who's willing to do that with you.
a true friend who's willing to do that with you,
again, that's love.
I'm going to just stop right there.
Somalia!
Yes!
I walked in a room
and you guys are talking about grief
and there's all kinds of grief
and you're talking about
helping people and even being a caregiver and
mental health and just everything that I'm just a part of I try and give and I've been received
it too so I have this poem called grief steals everything but our stories.
So I'd like to share it. I feel your pain. I say, I'm sorry for your loss, a penny for your thoughts,
grief stolen, swollen at all costs, every emotion running through your veins. Sometimes others think you're insane.
Get rid of it.
Take it all.
Giving it away, not really stealing.
It has got to go.
And you would have thought I'd have nothing to show.
But no, denial creeps around the aisle, taking things off the shelf.
Then you see this cute little elf. He makes you laugh.
He makes you cry.
All because someone has passed and died. The circle of life started in this room.
But darkness and despair, cancer, I dare. All kinds of tubes, including fallopian.
If I didn't have these thoughts, I wouldn't be human. Some have left us who were very kind.
I have a story to tell that helps me unwind.
Poem.
Wow.
We gonna get it all.
We getting it all.
I loved it, Smiley.
There's grief of losing body
parts. I mean, with breast
cancer and uterine, you know, your whole uterus is
going, all your female parts.
There's a grieving process through that.
Absolutely.
I want to add to that, that that's where the, we can spin it, spin the block here. That's where the gratitude comes in. And
one of the things that came to mind during this conversation was the times in my life that, or
anybody's life that we get injured. Injury is, is one of the ways we learn to be present. Because I have had moments where
something was hurting me and all I could think of was, damn, just yesterday, this thing didn't
hurt me. And now it's hurting me. And I didn't even realize how much I use this part of my body.
I didn't know anybody needs a wrist. I didn't think
wrists were important, but it turns out it's like one of the most important damn things going on
in the things that I'm doing. There is, there is something in your wrist that medically that
is like a disease or something that can make it really bad. I don't know what it's called, but I knew somebody that had that.
Carpal tunnel is one very...
It's not carpal tunnel, but it's something else.
But that, though, too, can lead to different things.
Like carpal tunnel, if you're having twitches or ticks,
it can lead to maybe Tourette's or something like that.
That's what my son had.
I thought he had carpal tunnel because he kept shaking his wrists and stuff,
and it ended up he had Tourette's.
So it leads to different things.
What is that song?
The neck bone connected to the...
Some people
don't have neck, so it would just be the chin bone connected to
the shoulder bone. You know what? We are
all one and we are all connected.
We are all one. You're like
a salt fairy today. I know.
I think I'm trying to... I'm leaning into
brevity because I don't want to feel this conversation.
I'm not even going to host y'all.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
We all hear good vibes.
Here you come with the salt, with the salt bay.
Come on now.
You know what?
Let's take a moment of silence, a deep breath, everybody.
Right now, a deep cleansing breath.
And hold it.
And out. and hold it, and out, blow it out in gratitude,
in gratitude, in gratitude, in gratitude, in gratitude.
Because, yeah, this is, we unpacking.
Smiley, thank you again for the poem,
and you know, the truth, we got to feel it. Safi, I know you say we got to feel it, though. We just we got to feel it, even if it's just for a few minutes, a second or two, because we're rewriting that code.
Like, and I mean, I heard people say just the smallest thing, every, every little thing,
every little thing, pillow, blanket.
I'm grateful for this refrigerator.
I'm grateful for this napkin.
I'm grateful for the, like, literally anything you can assign.
It's not too small.
It's in your 3D reality and it is something you have.
So you can don't let anybody, you know, take any of your grateful, you know, moments away because that's what we're doing.
We're changing that energy signature.
You know, if you will, we're giving the body something new to look forward to in the spiral up. We can,
we can get down. We talking about the get down right now because the get down is our daily lives,
our realities. We're dealing with so much, so much all the time. So, um, this is why it's just
important to do this release, breathe, and really be grateful. And when you're grateful, anytime something's going
wrong, a practice that I started doing, when things are going wrong, I just, and okay,
sort of in a delusional manner, if you want to, you know, you just go right back to something
grateful, whatever it is, look at your hands, hug yourself, something,
anything that even make yourself be grateful in the moment. And this is all mind work. This is
literally trying to rearrange, you know, how you're talking and thinking about yourself and
your present moment. And Chanel, I love what you said about injury being like the reminder of,
you know, with being grateful to yesterday, my back wasn't feeling like this.
Did I make a, did I make a, you know, like,
did I make a note yesterday?
I can do a split. Today I can't.
That's something to be grateful for.
So, yeah, it's never too small of anything to be grateful,
and I'm grateful for all of y'all right now.
Okay, Safi's hand up, and then I think Bex's hand up.
Oh, we can go to Bex.
I haven't heard from her in a while.
Hey, Bexie, babe.
I saw you strumming the guitar on IG.
We need more of that in our lives.
Hey, guys.
My heart is beating so fast.
I was really calm before, but then I had to come up to the stage
and I was like, oh, I'm getting so excited to tell you guys
that I'm really happy
to be in the room, really grateful.
Happy Easter, everybody.
Godly grateful for God and Jesus and all that.
But, hey, guys, I'm so excited because I'm going to start sharing
more of my stuff and I'm naturally going to want to pull back.
And it's
all very daggy and unrefined and unpolished and unrecorded and stuff but I was afraid to come
into this space last time and I didn't because I didn't want to not share anything about how I've
not been creating and and then I've like the last few days have been really creative and just
flooded with stuff and writing a lot of poetry and thinking a lot of stuff through like i always do but
really had a bit of a few epiphanies and i thought you know um what if yeah if if i lose my tongue
or something or i can't speak you know then i'll be really regretful that i didn't share this
massive story and personality of mine
with more people because I've isolated myself from the world
for so many years now and I needed to do that for certain reasons.
But now I've been afraid that, like, for example, Sapphire,
you offered to do a space with me a few weeks ago
or maybe it was a couple of months ago but it still feels
like a few weeks ago.
But if it's left to me i will just leave
it forever and never get to it because i'll be like no um i'm not that sort of opportunist i
don't want to show off i don't want to invade anyone's space or take over any rooms or you
know i've got this fear of exposing who i am to everyone because i don't i have to diminish my
life all the time and so I think it's because
I'm afraid of sharing what I create is is quite dark sometimes and um a lot of the dark stuff is
from the past and I have to get it out um and so even if I'm not comfortable with the the sound of
it or if even even if I'm not really into the country sort of twang that I naturally come out
with um I'm just gonna do it anyway. I'm just going to do it anyway.
And I'm just going to bet on myself for a fucking change
and stop pouring all of my energy into everyone else.
So, yeah, that was what I wanted to share with you guys.
And I'm just really grateful for this space,
for kind of pushing me further.
And I was a bit scared to come up and share,
but I'm really grateful that I did.
So God bless you all.
Yay, Bexie. I'm so happy. I'm smiling so hard. I'm going to hit you up on share, but I'm really grateful that I did. So God bless you all. Yay, Bexie.
I'm so happy.
I'm smiling so hard.
I'm going to hit you up on WhatsApp.
I'm so proud of you.
Like, look.
Yes.
I mean, I know we've been talking about this for like almost 18 months to years, but the
time is right when you're ready.
And that doesn't mean you won't be nervous or you're going to go into it like all like
there.
I still get, you know, uncomfortable, but I're going to go into it like all. I still get uncomfortable.
But I want you to know, like I said, I meant it like that, what you did on Instagram.
And then I've heard you in spaces strumming too.
It's raw.
It's real.
I feel that more than the most polished rips and runs.
There's just the energy transfer, the authenticity.
And it's the real you.
So that's all that matters.
So please don't wait until it's polished. Don't think we even want that. We want the real you so that's all that matters so please don't wait
until it's polished don't think we even want that we want the real you we know you you're you're
funny you're quirky you're sassy you're sexy you're free like we that's what we want we want
the best and then all the other parts of you because i know you like you said you haven't
shown everything we want to keep peeling back the beautiful layer so i'm so proud of you
and um you know we're all here to support you you've been
so supportive and just so loving for a lot of us for a long time so i'm proud of you i am too i
didn't even know bex made music i don't even know what's going on right now so i feel out the loop
i feel like i've been a fraud i've been a fraud for so long because I was fraud. I thought if I shared my music or shared my art that I do as a hobby
in my spare time, which is all my time because I'm unemployed,
chosen to be pretty much because I can't do my art when I'm working
in a corporate job.
I just can't be myself and I fixate too much on the little details
and get anxious and then I don't create art.
But I was raised by artists artists a painter and a craftsman
and and musicians you know it's definitely who I am and I've been writing songs Chanel since I was
13. I even started writing songs before I learned guitar and I still remember some of those melodies
and I found a tape the other day that I recorded when I was 13. I don't have a cassette player but
these little songs I've got like one of them from when I was 14 it's like it's pretty cheesy but my
favorite band was Nirvana and Veruca Salt and stuff like that and I was like so
it's called Sounds Like and it just goes sounds like a hammer hitting on a roof
sounds like a dog buck I'm with the wolf sounds like a radio without music. Sounds like chaos. Oh, it sounds like. What does
God say? Oh, it sounds like. Did I even ask you anyway? So it's like a little punk song, you know,
and then I doubled up on the, I recorded it twice over two tape decks and had this like double
harmony sort of thing. And it was so rocking, even though I had no music.
I was like, one day I'm going to be in a rock band and I'm going to release this song.
But I never have.
But it's still in me, you know.
I've got like 50 songs that I haven't shared.
Half of them I don't like, but they're still there.
The artwork is there.
And the hours I've spent towards all of this and that I still do writing, I cannot deny it anymore because, look,
I'm nearly crying all the time when I talk to you guys because I'm all pent
up like a tap that, you know, is about to explode.
So that's that.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
Where's the hair claps?
she sounds like belinda carly and from the go-go's and and um um what's her name cindy
I'm going to have a machine that breaks.
laupper holly siren from uh what's that punk group oh jeez i can't think of it um you should
totally do it analog to honestly some of those songs like those if you revamp it that would be really dope
to get more of the analog style yeah i i'm i just want to mention 2.0 bex 2.0 emerged on this episode
of artfully fed which is we didn't plan this you know we can't even make this up this is just true
change happening through alignment and be Bex, I'm like,
whoa, that you are doing it in our, you know, tonight in the space. And man, this is such a
self-loving place to be, to be honest. It really is. And I'm so happy that you are sharing and doing exactly what you are born to do.
I want to jump in here and say something, because I think it's actually relevant to what Bex is doing and this whole conversation around grief that maybe Bex will identify with. So it says grieving is sacred. It's an
acknowledgement of our own transformation. And it says grief really is an emotional bridge between
identities. And I found that just so profound and interesting that we're talking about
things we're letting go, the ways in which we're stripping ourselves of what's not serving us.
And Beck's here making art and music and art.
Allowing herself to share it after so much time not doing so.
And just the ways in which we are.
It's an in-betweeny time.
That's what it is.
That's what we're sad about.
We're sad that we got to leave this thing.
But it's like this weird thing.
You're excited about the next thing. but you're sad that you're leaving the
other thing, but you need to leave the other thing to get to the next thing. And then you're
kind of like, ah, what are all these bugging things? And then it's, you know, it's a whole
thing. So anybody got to, it's complicated. I'll just say one more little thing. Like if I,
I've been afraid if I, not afraid, but you know, sort of like the urge to release this part of myself that I've,
this arty, you know, character that I am, that I've always been,
but also I've evolved over the years and I'm sort of a different person now
and that part, so I'm sort of like if I go and do this thing,
am I going to be stepping back into all those emotions again
and I'll have to detach from a lot of it?
And so that's a bit scary.
But then the urge to, and so I want to be this new me this new version but I can't until I release the old one do you know what I mean like it's an evolution and so I'm a bit nervous to um to go
back into that character mind that mode that mindset um that some of that music evokes but
um it's art and that's what it is what it is you know so whatever i'm just going to better
myself and because you guys all bet on yourself so well and do it so effortlessly i don't look
at you and think god they're so up they're so they're showing off how do they have such confidence
because i i fucking know what it takes to make art like it's it's it's hard work it takes hours
of your time and i just really appreciate all the different types of art people are making in here.
And even the therapist talking before, I used to watch a show, a therapist who went to therapy.
There's a few shows about that.
And I recommend you guys look them up.
I think one of them is called In Therapy.
It's really good.
Bexy, I was just going to say this last thing to you.
Well, first of all, just to tack on what you said.
Yeah, I'll be real
with you you're probably gonna dredge up some old feelings and emotions but it doesn't mean that
means that that was unhealed anyway it was just laying dormant so it's like you will like there's
something healing and soothing um about going through like re reviving or like touching those
little wounds that you thought were good or you ignore it but that were just like still raw and that's actually why i think i've been so jokey this space because
i thought this was going to be a cute ass little space the old me they're like you know blah blah
me just dead and y'all talking about some heavy stuff and i'm like oh shit this is
this is painful it's never a cute space oh my god i'd rather have a pap smear with the old like not
the plastic not the plastic speculum that they the nice one that they warm up with under the water, like the old school metal one in this conversation.
Cause like grief is sick. It's not linear. Cause like, that's the thing. Like, I guess I have been like, I know it differently now. Oh, that's what I was going to say. Last point, Bex, your dad is so proud of you.
what I was going to say. Last point, Bex, your dad is so proud of you. But I know grief, I understand
it a little bit differently now, because I have grieved friendships in the past. Actually,
it was hard. I had my friendship with a girl named Maria. We actually rekindled years later,
but that was like the most heartbreaking thing. Not no boyfriend, not no romantic relationship,
but that was like the hardest into a relationship I had was a friendship. But like after my father,
I had was a friendship but like after my father and then after another uh pretty difficult like
situationship that I poured everything into I was just like I realized that grief is not a you cry
about it you get angry about it you scream about it once and it's done sometimes you have to keep
doing that sometimes you have to keep forgiving a person sometimes you have to keep forgiving
yourself sometimes you have to keep telling yourself like okay yeah you're a little you you
you weren't dumb you've ignored your gut feeling you were hard-headed but you know you're
not dumb you didn't deserve it and it you learned some things and it wasn't all bad like you have to
keep having these conversations so while I think about grieving I'm like shoot yeah I've the old me
from even a year and a half ago and five years ago and 10, 10 years ago, she's dead. But there's
some situations and things where that grief cycle, which is not a finite, at least in my experience
so far, it comes back up and that you do have to touch into that, like that anger where you're like,
that righteous anger, you're like, you want to be vindicated or that pity or that like, well,
shoot, can I even trust myself now? Because I was so sure this one
thing. So it's just like, grief is not a once and done thing. And so I don't know, just because you
make the decision today to grieve the old you or grieve, grieve the you and get rid of you that's
stuck in that job, or that's stuck in that relationship or start stuck in that hurt or that
anger doesn't mean that this will be the last time you feel crappy is all I'm saying but it does get easier and as Callie and Sensei and even Christina
have said the more you don't stay in that state and you think about gratitude in the sense of
not ignoring what you went through or acting like it's all good but rather thinking about the the
resilience or the strength or the wisdom that you, or the experience even that you gained and your ability
to suss out bullshit going forward, whatever it is, there's something to be grateful for. The more
you lean into that, the more that like painful part of the grief will dissipate, even if it
comes back again, the next, in a different cycle. So yeah, this conversation, I don't really like
it, but I know that means I need it okay let's let's switch it
up a bit bex you're back let's go and let me say this the hey it's gonna be cute soon
the past is all good if you're learning and not living in and And every, it's all going to be about forgiveness. I'm learning.
When you, when you start thinking about the things and what you went through and what you did and,
you know, listen, I'm have your cry, have, however, the release comes for you,
you know, definitely lean into that. But fact of the matter is, you're better now, you know, and you don't have to stay
there. You don't feel the same way about the thing as you once did. And now it's okay. You can,
it's all about forgiveness and it's really just going forward. You can't make any, you know,
mistakes that you don't learn from that. That's the mistake you know, mistakes that you don't learn from. That's the
mistake, you know, if you don't learn from the mistake or the place that you were or the thing.
It's a mistake. It's a mistake. I keep playing with words.
You yell cut and, you know, back to one. The director of your life, you're like, OK, so what do I do next? And you're like, back to one. Let's do it again. Let's reframe. Let's think about this different. Let's take three days to, you know, break it all down. And on the fourth day, let's demand, you know, the change that's already there.
Practically. Remember, I think somebody said it earlier. We're getting back to ourselves.
You know, we're getting back to ourselves who we know we are.
And, you know, when we were younger, it maybe didn't have well, it didn't have so much grief on it.
Well, depending. I'm not going to say that, but it didn't.
When you're a kid, you see how kids operate you know it's theirs and it's it's now and it's it's they don't really have the
limitations and and and regrets and things you know um and so we we have to get back there with
ourselves and this conversation is man it's gonna weed it out It's gonna weed it out
Waits one thing because remember earlier sorry, Chanel to cut you off But remember real cats was talking about pulling out the root, you know
And maybe the root is the problem and that we have to get rid of and I was thinking about when you've got weeds
They're really the bad weeds the ones that aren't good for your garden that are sort of like from elsewhere, they have really hard roots and they're really, really stuck
in the ground and they're impossible to pull out and they usually get stuck in there with
little bulbs and you've got to dig them out special ways and then make sure you don't
put the root anywhere except in the bin because it'll respawn, you know, and it's in the Bible
about the wheat terror, like the sheaf, I can't remember that. I don't know,
but you know,
when the tear,
yeah.
So I'm thinking,
is it easier to pull out the root of things that are like,
it might be easier to lose the good stuff and harder to pull out the bad
stuff.
We got to work extra harder at it and be really tenacious with it.
So I just, I want to say that, say something to that,
and then I'm going to let Christina then Hito go. But I just do, since Sapphire's in here,
reframing, using reframing terminology and whatnot, I wanted to add some reframing to what
you just said, which it sounds a little bit like you're feeling a bit of remorse or frustration that you've been hiding yourself for this long and et cetera, et cetera.
And if you know my story, you know I wasn't creating for almost two decades.
I was not. I stopped cold turkey and I wasn't making anything.
But I got to tell you, the things that I'm creating now, and again, I didn't go to art school.
And again, I didn't go to art school. I didn't officially do that. The things I'm creating now are a result of that nearly 20 years of me having life experiences and doing other shit. And all of that information, I was absorbing information from everything. All of my experience is building up. And that's all stuff that's just coming out intuitively now in the art.
I didn't officially do that.
And so I just want you to consider the fact that all of that time, all of that stuff,
maybe it's just content.
Maybe it's just information that'll inform your lyrics, that'll inform the melodies that
you come up with and inform the ways that you present your art to the world right now.
It's not necessarily a bad thing. It's literally just a matter of reframing it. You've got,
you've got something in your back pocket. Some of these fucked up things we've gone through,
we got stories that we can literally laugh at today. And yeah, it's like, damn, that sucked
at the time. But it is funny because it was a different time. You can laugh at it because it
was a different time. You were in at it because it was a different time.
You were in a different space.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
It's a part of the development.
It's a part of what makes us fucking interesting.
Okay?
This shit would be whack if we all had the same damn story.
Okay?
Would you like it to be like the Truman Show?
No, but whoever's writing my... I can't wait till the wallpaper falls so I can slap him because this is garbage.
I need to... All right.
Okay. This is a good time. I need to. All right.
Okay.
We're back.
Who's writing this to be movie?
Where's the salty emoji?
Is there a salt one?
Yeah.
You know what?
I'm going to just hold on.
Let me see.
Okay.
Let's make a salt emoji.
Two hand claps, a fist pump and a thumbs up.
Listen, the story. We're doing it. We're doing it together.
The story is getting greater because we're doing it together. That's it.
I think Christina was- Christina, go ahead.
Safi, I think it is hilarious that you're comparing this conversation to a pap smear. I was laughing so hard when you were saying that.
You know, it's, this work's not easy.
It's not, but it definitely is rewarding.
This isn't, you know, I've been actively doing my own generational trauma work since 2008. It's not a fun journey. It's not an easy journey,
but I will tell you, when you do it and you experience the hard times, what comes from it is so much more beautiful and powerful. You feel so much more confident in
yourself and like almost invincible, to be honest. And I don't want to say invincible because I know
that nobody is invincible. But when you know yourself so much and on such a deep level, no one can tell you who
you are. And that's what I think so many times we experience that in relationships. And that's why
they go south or whatever. And just in general in life and even in what's going on in the world right now.
Don't forget who you are. Stay in your integrity. Stay in your love. You know, do the work. Be
willing to look at yourself. That's one of the biggest issues right now is because there's so
many people who aren't willing to look at themselves and look at,
you know, how they have impacted their life and other people's lives. And when you're able to do
that, and then when you're also able to recognize when others have been hurting you and you've been
giving them a lot more leeway than they necessarily deserve setting those
boundaries.
And it goes back to, you know, having that conversation of like, when you have the hard
conversations, you find out who loves you.
And those are the people you want in your life.
If they don't love you, then they don't love you.
And that's okay.
Release them with love and care and compassion. And when I say that, I say that it's for you. It's not for
them. It's for you. Because if you are able to stay in the space of love and compassion, which
by the way, I am not perfect at that at all. Trust me. I have thrown my quote unquote witchy powers and
tongue and all that, you know, all the demons and so forth. I have definitely spewed that
on some people, especially over the last few years. But you know what? I hate to say it this way, but they're the ones who needed it.
And, you know, I really appreciate that we're bringing, you know, Jesus into this conversation because Jesus has been my best friend.
He's not my Lord and Savior. That term actually gives me the creeps, but he is 100% my best friend and he has been holding
my hand through this entire journey from day one. And, you know, I laugh because part of my grief
and part of my trauma work has been the religious trauma that I grew up in and breaking free from certain thought processes and
mentalities that were definitely in my mind,
not what Jesus's message was.
And,
you know,
I have this conversation with somebody and I was like,
you know,
I know that they keep saying,
just keep,
you know,
turn the other cheek and turn the other cheek. It's like, you know what? know that they keep saying, just keep, you know, turn the other
cheek and turn the other cheek. It's like, you know what? All my cheeks have been hit. All of
them. Some in a fun way, some not so fun, but they've all been hit and I'm done. And you know,
you're running, you're running out of cheeks. I'm running out of cheek massage.
And then I also get mad because I'm like, you know what?
I don't like the fact that he died on the cross.
Fuck you guys.
I'm going to fight for him too.
And I ain't going to let him die on the cross.
I'm going to go after the people who put him on that cross.
Screw that.
So that's kind of where I've been even with my journey of my love for Jesus, but not the way I was taught about him
and not, you know, and fighting for the relationship that I have with him and fighting for him.
You know, I feel like I'm Mary Magdalene fighting for her man. And, uh, and I'm okay with that. So, um, anyways, you know,
happy Easter to those who do celebrate Easter. Um, I actually was raising my hand because I have
to get going. It's, uh, I have to finish packing and so forth, but, um, you know, Chanel, I'm going
I'm going to reach out to you.
to reach out to you. Let's exchange numbers so we can see if we can grab coffee or something.
Let's exchange numbers so we can see if we can grab coffee or something.
And thank you again so much for this group.
And Chanel, thank you for sharing my space.
I do on Mondays called Cult of Free Fingers.
I'm loving that name right now.
But I'm actually going to be taking the next two Mondays off. So I'll be back in two weeks,
and we'll be diving deep into the cult of free thinking. So you guys all have a wonderful night.
Thank you so much for the space and for listening to me.
I hope to see you, Christina. I hope to see you guys soon.
Bye.
Thank you, Christina.
Thank you for everything you said.
You summed it up so well for us.
We are so happy you got to be here tonight.
Christina actually is like my twin in astrology.
So we got the same sun, moon rising and she's a projector it's crazy and we met we met through spaces because a troll a troll led me into a space and then he was gone
away they threw the troll out and i became cool with everybody in the group since then and she
was one of the people in the group so yeah the universe you would follow a troll down a rabbit hole chanel why am i not surprised but i'm glad it ended up in uh you meeting your
your astrological twin that's what i'm saying that's what trolls do that's their job they
if they don't get on your nerves too badly just kick them to the curb and watch what they were
really leading you to you know what i mean this is insane the haters
do not prevail this trip around we're too big for that no it's true it's true trolls no trolls have
a weird way of connecting people with good people it's this wild thing they bring they actually bring
people together and then they just like end up falling off it's so crazy
so they're good luck charms so we should chop their legs off like rabbit feet
well Wednesday Adams hello what is happening Kelly knows the law of these mythical creatures
and what they're sent here for the hacks the hacks to get us through nice and quickly
through the space mud I'm trying to understand why
Sapphire Reaper just keeps like popping up
randomly throughout this space
today
90 something with no cannabis
I think it might be time to get back on the way
do you get back on the wagon when you start again or off the wagon
okay fine Sapphire we'll get you some weed
Jesus cause you're killing us right now
I mean it's an awful one twist switch, switch, but come on over, sister.
I'm actually on the bottom of the wagon, like, hanging on for dear life,
and every time they go over a bump, I just keep getting fucked up a little bit more.
You're scraping the concrete. You are not even in the wagon. You are outside the damn wagon, okay?
You just lost a shoe. Oops.
Hito, what's good, Hito? What's good? Hito Oops What's good Hito
What's good Hito
Jesus
Took forever
What I want to say is all the way back
To what Vex was saying
Now you're going up against the wagon
Come on now
I am not there
What I wanted to say to you from what you were saying
before is that uh there's this uh message that has been coming uh to me lately often and i think it
will work for any of us uh which is when something is really difficult and we don't want to do it,
that means you're in the right path.
What you're talking about is basically that you're fighting yourself.
You're fighting the urges that your inner self keeps telling you of where you will shine the most.
Like the thing that, you know, brings you joy.
that you know brings you joy.
And I say that because like Chanel,
you know, got to say, and basically I said,
freaking Chanel, she's basically getting into my speech.
But no, and in reality is that like, you know,
I myself was also somebody who had given my up on, you know, my creativity,
my art for a very long time because I had put my aspirations on people and what I needed
to do.
Like I put it into, you know, what other people wanted rather than what I needed to do for
myself and to understand that.
And when things went south and something didn't work out, I just gave up on myself instead.
But I was also young. Again, it goes back to what everybody's talking about here. You have to
forgive yourself. Your maturity was at a different place at a different time. But now where we are, you know, when you hear this calling that keeps, you know, nagging at you, keeps poking and is telling you, like, you really want to, like, you know, scratch that itch that's inside of you that definitely is pushing you to a place of creativity.
It's for a reason.
It's not telling you just because, like, you just feel like a moment right now. It's because it's within you. it's not telling you just because like you just feel like a moment
right now it's because it's within you it's part of you um especially like when you did that little
song right there like i was like oh my gosh you just took me back to like early 2000s like that
was so cool like i really really enjoyed that i put it in the comments so i don't know if you saw
it but uh what i'm trying to say is that like uh when I return back into art for this past year, I have only been but happy every single day.
You know, I've been learning so much about myself through my own art.
I've been I've been seeing my weaknesses. I've been seeing the way I think, the way I see things, the results of what happens when I stick through it and I believe in myself and I decide to continue on.
And I've learned patience through my art. I understand that, like, you know, when when I start getting negative or lazy about what I'm doing,
sometimes it's just myself telling me like, you know, sometimes it's negative, sometimes it's positive.
The positive side is like telling me like, hey, you need to take a break. You're putting too much time here
when you get on this and it's making you feel frustrated. You need to like step away and come
back and it's okay. You don't have to rush the process. Take your time. And at the end of it
all, like when I finally got through, especially with the last piece, the last piece taught me so much because the beginning I was just like, I don't want to do this for this man.
But at the end of it all, I learned so many lessons and I'm only grateful that I took on that challenge and that I went through it.
And I'm so happy for what I have created that now it's like it's one of my proudest pieces.
that now it's like, it's one of my proudest pieces. Like, I'm so happy I went through that.
Like I'm so happy I went through that.
And I think it will only be the same for you if you engage on this, because it's something that
like, you already seen yourself, like you saw, you felt like in a way shame that you couldn't
share something in a space before because you see everybody creating and you will say like,
oh, I'm not doing anything. It's not a shame. It's just that like, that's just your heart
telling you like yo if
you feel this way you know you have to do this and i think i'm looking at the guitar going why
i'm not why am i not wanting to play it why am i not singing why am i walking around the house in
silence you know and not and i was singing along to everyone else's stuff but not nothing was coming
out of me and as a singing you feel like if i don't keep on the bike you know i'll you but you
never learn you never forget how to learn, I mean, how to ride it.
It's just staying on the rhythm, you know,
of the momentum of what you're doing.
And if you drop the ball, it's so easy to go back down
and feel like a sham again, you know.
Like if you're not singing as an artist and you're not actually singing,
then when you do talk, you're like me, you're like a fumble of words, you know.
I've got all this energy stored up in me that I have to harness
and channel and work through, literally work it out.
And the reason I'm happy today is because I played guitar yesterday
and recorded some of it.
And even though it's embarrassing and it's daggy and whatnot, it's done.
It is done.
What is done is done.
And I'm just not going to put things out there and delete them.
I'm just going to leave it there and be unashamedly me and bet on myself
and bet on everyone around me because all the people I love
and hang out with are absolute legends and rock stars.
Like, so it's, you know, it's something, it's inevitable.
Like I've always known when I was little, like it's inevitable,
the sort of people I want to hang out with, the sort of life I want to lead,
it's inevitable and it is unfolding now like it's inevitable. The sort of people I want to hang out with, the sort of life I want to lead, it's inevitable.
And it is unfolding now.
And it's a bit, the trepidation is scary
and the road's a bit slippery and I might fall over.
But my friends are around me and they're fucking good people.
So it's just a shame you're all on the other side of the world.
Right, right, of course.
But all you have to do is just create.
Just create, put it out there, see what happens.
Because also through your creations is that you will get to the place that you will get the critiques from the people that care about you and you will keep evolving.
That's how you will grow. You won't know where your weaknesses lie until you put yourself out there and those people come to you and tell you like, you know, this is great.
But maybe you need to try this way as well. Or, you know, you can add this instead that will like enhance your work of what you're trying to do and you'll evolve you'll keep growing you'll keep getting
getting better uh one last example that i'm going to give and then i'll shut up and probably go back
to listeners is that uh working out like for me working out has been part of this uh you know
growing journey i've been this person for a very long time. Like that's always been part of like my core. But because I got to a point where I got lazy, I wasn't going out,
I wasn't doing anything. I just let myself go. I made excuses over, you know, a couple of years of
not taking care of myself. And I suffered, you know, to the point that like, I have major
pains, like, you know, knees, back, you know, heels, like huge pain where I felt like this is
just normal. Those were just excuses. But the minute that I came back to like, you know, taking
care of myself to like my fitness and stuff, I've been seeing I was like, man, I've been talking
about like appreciation for like male and female body figures and like the taking
care of your body to like, you know, chisel through and create yourself to like this point
of like appreciation for the work that comes in there. And I've been at my happiest and like,
I don't even think about it. Like, you know, I'm trying to do something just because I want to look
a certain way. No, I'm doing it because like, I feel so good. Like I appreciate seeing like the little
changes in my body. Like when I, when I noticed like, oh my God, look like now the chest is,
looks better here. It's like, oh, look at the arm. Oh, look at the veins come. Like I'm having
little moments of appreciation for myself, like looking at myself from outside. And what I'm trying to say is that it will be the same
when you really engage truly into the part of yourself
that makes you so much more of who you are at your core,
embrace it, you know, put yourself out there.
You know, you won't know until you don't try.
Whiskey and staying up for days.
And because that's my method is to get really, I get to the end of my tether
and that's when I tend to create art.
Like if I've had a restless night and then I'm really tired or something,
I get delirium and then that's when the pulmonary comes.
But that's always been my method.
But I want to start doing it.
It's like I'm afraid to get healthy because I might lose my gift
of the gab or something,
you know.
But when I was straight a few years ago, for a couple of years I gave up pot and I was
punny.
I had the gift of the gab.
I was making jokes left, right and centre.
So, you know, I might give that a go here, Joe.
I'll take on all your advice because you have been a really good example of how to take
strides towards what you love and you're an amazing artist.
So I'm really glad that you're doing what you're doing.
He told you, you come back up. Okay.
I was supposed to be on the thing. I just came up because, you know, I didn't want to share that
with her, but yes, you're completely right. You just try it a different way. Like, I think that
you will definitely get to a point of a new form of creativity. Like, you know, you don't always
have to rely into the sources that get you to a point of where you don't have control in order to
like create, like you can probably make something brand
new that will be much more enriching uh if you uh you know try it like first try it like that's
the thing is like at the end of the day like i might not be right about that uh but if you don't
try you will never know like what potential that you have just like myself right now like i have
witnessed like my strength uh michael hearnarn, who's like a bodybuilder,
he shared, he's like, the greatest shame is for a man to not understand like the potential of
its own body and what it can do. And that hit me so hard because I've been at the opposite
where I gave up on myself for a long time. And now that I'm able to see like the
strength that I can hold and to see potentially how far I can even go if I wanted to, it's a
beautiful feeling. So try it. I need to go back down to listening. I love you all. I don't want
to get in trouble. I'm at work. All right. Bye. Listen, we putting our jobs on the line to help each other.
It is what it is. Like I'm, I'm like so much good information, so much.
Max don't laugh. This is good. This is actually great. I'm so happy that we can
feel each other. No, it's like heal each other, hear each other, listen to each other nice it's like heal each other hear each other listen to each other um and this is
not complaining you know i'm saying this is intentful work you know this is this is not
you know this is a safe space um and we're making it we're definitely making it. Chanel, how we doing for time? I mean, terrible, but you know, we're
talking, so it's fine. Um, LOL. Now, you know, I was going to say that I, I know everybody says
safe space and it's like, it's starting to be cliche at this point, but I really do appreciate
that people feel comfortable to come here and say things and express themselves in ways that they
don't in other places. They don't really just outwardly at all. Even sometimes maybe out loud,
just like to say it to themselves, they don't even do it, you know, and for them to come in here
and express it in front of other people just means that our vulnerability is meaningful, right?
Us choosing to be vulnerable, we are taking this kind of role of leadership in that, and it's
meaningful and impactful. And that's not what we do this for, like to be, you know, have a stage per se and to have a presence in that way.
But for it's a for people to connect with it, that's that's the point.
Just because I just can't tell you how many times I've passed by something and heard the thing I needed to hear or saw the thing I needed to see.
and that person was just sharing and I just happened to receive it. And if they didn't have
And that person was just sharing and I just happened to receive it.
the courage to share, I wouldn't have received it and went on to do the things that that thing
that I received inspired. So I really do appreciate everybody that had the courage to come up on the
stage, that has the courage, period, just to sit in the space. You don't have to speak every time
too, but even just to take the time to be present and to listen, that really does say something about what you're trying to do with yourself and your life and reflection and all those things. So
that's, that's, that's all I had to say in terms of time. Yeah, obviously 930, it is not 930,
but you know, I'm over here. It's not wonton Friday. You know, Andrea didn't do the wontons
and I, and I also am, there's no wontons. Are you kidding me?
That was a tradition.
What did you say?
Yeah.
It's a wonton list Friday.
It's giving no wontons.
So I'm over here making some little, you know, salad situation thing.
And then I'm enjoying myself.
Okay.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Get the party sappy.
You know what?
Listen, enjoy your salad thingy situation ship.
It's going to be good.
It's going to be delicious.
Kelly, you want me to say a question?
Why do you sound like a Trump?
It's going to be...
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
So, just so y'all know I'm working on my...
I am working on my Trump impression.
So, thanks for noticing that, Tabi.
Anyway, so that joke.
Hold on, because Smiley reminded me of it earlier.
She was talking about body parts.
And it reminded me of, I think, that phantom limb syndrome.
Like when people become
paraplegic or uh quadru you know quadriplegic and they still feel like the limbs are there and
all they got are nubs or whatever it's a really quick one it goes death by narcosis your apathy
stings like whiskey poured into a cowboy's gunshot wound your silence is deafening like 150 decibels. Eagerly, I go after you.
A Labrador retriever.
Hungry yet well-trained and skilled enough to prevent my teeth from breaking the surface.
But the trail has grown cold now.
A red herring resulting from unbearable distance and an unrealistic hyperbolic imagination.
Two worlds collateral but never merging.
Eternally haunted by a hologram. Woe to my
aching phantom limb.
I forgot to say poem.
You wrote that?
That's what I did.
You wrote that Sapphire?
Yeah, that's the poem I wrote. i guess too it just reminded me of this conversation because it's like people that i've never lost any
limbs but i imagine like if your body can physically trick you into feeling like there's
something there and and make you miss it then like it makes it not feel so crazy or feel so
bad about grieving something
that's not really there you know if if it's beyond your ability your parasympathetic system
it can trick you into that we shouldn't feel any shame you know if we are grieving and we're
missing something that's not really there because I guess your mind will play tricks on you as a
great man Snoop Dogg once said yeah thank you for saying that because I have been feeling a bit of remorse.
Not remorse.
Stupid.
I don't have another way to say that.
That's really what it comes down to.
I've been feeling a little like, damn, how did I miss this?
How did I not notice that really my anxiety was probably just my body rejecting this whole entire person?
How come I missed that? How come I missed that?
And just getting, like, a little frustrated with myself.
And then just realizing that even though I missed that, quote-unquote, like, I didn't recognize that that was a—I could have been decisive from last year.
I had taken space from the situation and the person the whole last year and was working
through things myself with myself that kind of were a reflection of how that person is,
how I used to be. And so it's like, yeah, okay, girl, you don't need to beat yourself up over
the fact that you missed this thing because it's not like you were in it with the person.
You still stepped away. So maybe you missed calling it out, but you still got yourself
to what was safety. So can you please at least give yourself a round of applause for that and
not just sit here and beat yourself up about the fact that it wasn't perfect? I'm doing the Virgo
thing, obsessing over some detail, and then going into this spiral unnecessarily when, look,
And then going into this spiral unnecessarily when, look, how about you're free of this situation right now?
Throw a party for that, okay?
You don't gotta do this.
Better late than never.
You don't gotta think about this.
What'd you say?
Better late than never, you know?
Yeah.
You could have saved yourself some time, but, you know, who knows how that would have changed the whole trajectory of life it's like
it's better to have cut the cut the losses you know when you can versus and not feel bad or
I know it's like this is it would you say you kind of feel foolish in a way is that yeah yeah
I was feeling just like damn you know I've just been through so many narky types of cycles in my life and just feeling like, damn, I missed another one.
It didn't feel good when I was processing that.
Yeah, I mean, it sucks.
It sucks to go through the emotions, but it's important to do it so that you recognize the growth.
but it's important to do it so that you recognize the growth.
Remember, this is like, it says you 2.0.
This is a new thing that, you know,
it's coming out and you got to shake out all of the past trauma,
you know, all of the past, like not for it really, like I said, again, boils down to forgiveness of yourself and understanding where you were and where you are now.
And, you know, making the work count. Don't, you know, do not discount the work that is getting you to this new you, this this 2.0 version that you love, by the way, at the end of the day, we all do, we'll all emerge
from this, you know, in a better form, emotionally and energetically. And of course, when you change
yourself energetically, you're changing your vibration, literally, and you're changing what
aligns and comes to you. This is why everybody's story gets
very similar. You know, after they did the hard thing, after they did the hard work, after they
made the changes, after they lost everything, they got it back triple. If it worked every,
I mean, don't believe me, just get on the internet and go look at each, you know,
the stories are very similar. But we have to keep reminding ourselves,
we have to keep saying it, we have to, you know, it is a, it's true refinement at every level,
because the new you at each level goes through another refinement. But at the end of the day,
you realize, you know, this was me all along. This is the best version of myself. I feel good. I look
good. I smell good. You know, all the things James Brown recipes was telling us. So listen, that's what
Yeah. And I make love good. Don't forget the most important. Well, I was going to get to that
and shout out to everybody in the space. Speaking of love,
he don't real cats come true. Mimi is in here here y'all give me me a follow oh uh the
feminine divine is around j stream echo major my guy y'all give him a follow dope street photographer
um starfish and ranelia i'm i'm feeling well the creator created creators that's who's in here
tonight that's who's listening
that's who you're sitting next to you know follow each other and if nothing else siphon the energy
get the energy of the each other's creative creativity get the energy of each other's
journey um we're here sharing we're being vulnerable we're breaking things down
here, Sharon, we're being vulnerable. We're breaking things down. That's not for nothing.
This is how you recalibrate, realign. This is how you get to the life you see yourself in.
This is not to be like, this is not to be discounted at all. And in showing gratitude,
it's like we said earlier, it's every little thing. And knowing the growth, seeing the growth.
Sensei, he's not in here, but like Sensei said, that was the old me.
And I'd like to point out, he said the new energy is attracting wealth.
He was being like a little coy, but no, y'all heard him.
He was saying like, you know, money is coming for me.
Love is coming for me.
It's all realigning.
And my gratitude is all realigning and me learning to, you know, move forward and forgive.
So artfully fed.
I mean, listen, this is one for the books, this episode, literally.
So if we got to shut it down, it's fine.
We going to be hitting the rewind button, I know.
And just tell all your friends that need to be here to be here next time.
Yeah, word.
I really appreciate everybody showing up.
I only loosely followed the Wealthy Girls structure.
Loose as in not at all. But did we didn't need a introduction of the
structure yeah i told y'all conceptually that that that it existed but we ain't really follow
like that but it's all good like i i it didn't we won't tell on you we we didn't we didn't go
off the track the way that we could have so i appreciate the fact that that didn't go off the track the way that we could have. So I appreciate the fact that that didn't go that way.
Bro,
but if there's stuff you want us to see and that,
if the stuff we need to see,
please,
if you can share it with us or,
you know,
put it in a purple pill so it stays.
we would love to look at your outline and,
and really take away notes.
Cause somebody said they were taking notes earlier.
Yeah,
that was Christina. He was taking notes when sensei was were taking notes earlier. Yeah, that was Christina.
He was taking notes when Sensei was speaking.
Yeah, so see, it's not a loss.
By the way, I mean, it sounded like you and Wealthy Girl could put this stuff in maybe an e-book and sell it online.
I don't know.
It's coming.
It's coming.
It's coming, Callie.
All the things are coming.
We got a call, as a matter of fact. We supposed to be doing a call this weekend, aren't we?
You, me, Safi, and Catrice?
Yeah, we got a dude.
Have your people call my people.
And we can be people.
I thought you were an alien.
I got a joint night to go to, so I'm going to slither out.
But this has been a very intrusive in the most needed way
conversation um this has been really good definitely one for the books yeah we're gonna
close out you can close out you don't gotta you don't gotta leave us we just gonna leave everything
on the table okay right because we said i can't quit i'm fired
we all leaving that's what i'm. So everybody gracefully bow out.
We're out.
Okay.
Grieving the OU.
We dropped some crap off in here.
We leaving it in the space.
And we're not going to come to the next two weeks episode with it.
Oh, yes.
You know what we should have did as a cute exercise?
It's like literally just.
I can't never do it.
I really am sad.
I can't make myself cry.
But we should have like bawled and mourned our OSOs before we left and just i wasn't crying because i was over here like
what really no not really um i'm i don't mind crying though so that's is i know it's something
here like no i just can't do it on command like I really want wanted to I wish I could I would I feel like I would get more of the things I wanted in life uh if I could
here's a good exercise if you're planning on showering tonight I might let it wash all over
you remember all the good conversation let the water let it just wash over you with the thoughtful
intent the old you is washing down that you know soapy dirty water no just let it go
in the water let it like intentfully you know embrace all that you need to in the moment
and everything that you don't need and that is not the new you because listen when you get out
and towel off you're gonna be shining shining shining shining yeah now i don't think we're gonna
get copyright infringement on that because i did such a poor whatever that was beautiful but my
mind is so immature i just imagined a really shrunken version of myself going like spinning
down the drain with the water like what did i do well you need me you're nothing without me and i'm
just like spinning around and then i go down what are the what are the demons that have attacked you tonight let's review them on this episode what is happening we're gonna get
rid of this down again bitch and then and then i just go all the way down and i but i get stuck
in like a big glob of hair because it's just like a little hair trap have you ever seen the
incredible i don't even go down all the way. I'm just like dangling on for life. Just choking, hanging by my neck by like a net of like hair. It's not even just my hair. It's my roommate's hair, pubes. It's disgusting.
the shower exercise works. I like to use it. Um, yes. Let the little old you go down the drain.
The big you needs to get out the shower.
Can we hear your new song? Nope. A song? Cool.
Callie?
Oh, it does sound.
By the way, you all, if y'all didn't pre-say, it's cool for you.
But, yes, Callie Spewe's Good Together is definitely a banker.
It's upbeat.
I just see her and some rollerblades breaking it down.
Okay.
Callie, I just saw that.
I only just saw that in your pinned tweet. Just now when I was doing it tonight tonight i didn't even know you had a song out bro what are you doing how are you in the group and
we don't even know anything what is happening yeah get her see we're studying the old us this
is kelly's bway 2.0 and y'all better go get my new single good together it is available on all platforms
so y'all can go and stream it wherever you stream music um and yeah run that it's all good like
i'm doing so much that you know sometimes i forget the music is there but the music is
always there so thank you for you know mentioning it
you for you know
mentioning it
we love you everyone
I'm over here chewing in between
being on mute
usually around this time I have to do
all the talking because Chanel is in
dumpling land but tonight
it's salad
she's waiting and
wafting in wontons by now usually yeah that's true but
tonight what this is a oh i'm seeing quinoa topped on there and i'm seeing a little bit of a spent
us what is this a spring mix salad you have oh at the what on the the restaurant i went to earlier
is that what you're looking at that you eating oh but how are you looking at it did I post and I forgot this is a remote view oh I see an alien thing got it sorry
okay so yeah it's a cucumber dill and there's something else that I put in there I don't
remember and then I just made some chickpeas on the stove with maple syrup and Dijon mustard and capers.
And I'm just, I'm having little tortilla wraps with it.
So I'm actually having like kind of like baked tacos instead of wontons.
So, you know what I'm saying?
We went over to Mexico or wherever and that's what's going on.
This is gourmet.
No, this is gourmet what you're doing.
And you probably should cook more often.
It's giving ghetto gourmet. Yeah, you're right. Yes, ghetto gourmet what you're doing. And you probably should cook more often. Who knows? Ghetto gourmet.
Yeah, you're right.
Yes.
Ghetto gourmet.
Y'all.
I don't know about y'all, but this is my snack that I eat after this is not going to be as eloquent.
But I'm going to grab some chips and run this back.
Okay.
I'm tired of pretending. I'm to it.
And that's your tooth right now. So,
would you better say, Sapphire? Good night? Is that
it? Yep. Good night.
Yo, seriously, y'all.
Thank you. Real Caps, Comtrinity, JStream,
Echo, Major, Starfish, Rinalia,
anybody else who's not, who I can't
see. Thank y'all for being
here. The energy is everything
and it means everything to be
here and this is Artfully Fit
grieving the OU releasing
to help you to
we gotta go.
Good night y'all.
