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Beras After Dark: Episode #1
Recorded: Aug. 13, 2025 Duration: 1:03:09Space Recording
Short Summary
In a recent engaging discussion, crypto enthusiasts explored the evolving dynamics of community support, personal growth, and relationship management within the crypto space. Key topics included the importance of collaboration, financial equity in relationships, and the impact of personal development trends on the community.
Full Transcription
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I sent you co-host. Hopefully you can accept. Can you all hear me? Give me a thumbs up.
When we got a thumbs down, that means no dice.
Or can you hear me?
Oh, Shabba, thank you so much.
I've sent IC, the co-host invite.
I'm wondering if Spaces is rugging.
When you did the thumbs down laid back it reminded me of uh the good old days when i was a young cub and i would
ask my mother if it would be okay to go somewhere and i would just say
if you're okay with it just don't say anything and then i would mute her and then i would just go
it didn't work out very well for me but i was like oh yeah you can't hear me oh i see
greetings greetings and salutations
how are you this lovely friday evening i mean tuesday. I'm losing track of my mind here. Please bear with me. Yeah, you're in like the totally wrong area of the week. My day is good. Got a lot of
work done. You know, another day in paradise. How about you? Another. Well, I have to tell you,
thank you for taking the time with me to do this because I need a break from the trenches with all of the, what would we like to call it, drama that is unfolding right now.
So this is a welcome distraction for me.
I am so very grateful that we have taken the time away to do this.
have taken the time away to do this. So for me, I needed a break.
So for me, I needed a break.
Yeah, it's easy to get lost in the trenches, especially because they just kind of go and go
and go. 25-8. 25-8, indeed. Indeed. Well, I know that this recording may be lightly attended.
I will share we had a lot of DMs, and I'm anxious to get to those questions for those bearers that asked,
but a lot of them had prefaced by saying that they weren't able to attend due to some scheduling conflicts
and or where they lived in the world.
So this was a great idea to record.
I know originally we had some concerns with it.
So I'm not sure how many people will kind of rush in and or just listen on recording.
I believe we may have other people that are listening in confidence silently for anonymity purposes.
But I am anxious to get started if you are.
Yeah, I have no idea what people have been DMing you.
So I'm ready to dive in and hear what the Bears have to say.
Indeed, indeed.
So, well, first I would thought we would start with the Genesis story of kind of of how this thing got started just to kind of give
people an idea of you know what the heck is this and and what are we doing here so the way that
this all kind of got started was there was a wonderful thj opportunity in their discord that
they kind of host originally it was monday wed Wednesdays, and Fridays for just a couple hours.
Typically, FDUB is the one that's in there that kind of hosts these events, just kind
of a spot for people to go in and chill and talk about the trenches and other things that
are happening around crypto.
And in this particular one, it had kind of taken a bit of a turn, and the bearers that
were in there had became pretty vulnerable with sharing
some of the personal things that they were going through. And in that moment, we kind of found it
as an opportunity to share our journeys and offer each other some guidance and support.
As we talked about personal relationships, you know, some bears were married with children and
others were, you know, coming out of a relationship and everyone was kind of looking for just some headway and some support.
So it was just so wonderful.
It lasted quite a while.
It went way longer than we had intended, but it was just such a robust conversation and full of really healthy dialogue.
But I had felt the one thing that was missing was a female perspective.
But I had felt the one thing that was missing was a female perspective.
When you get a lot of guys together, of course, at the end of the conversation, we all felt like, oh, we know exactly what to do in relationships.
And we know exactly what women want.
And, you know, my goodness, we all were so much better than we were two hours ago.
But I felt it was important to be like, well, hey, we might have just some confirmation bias here.
We really don't know for sure if any of this stuff is at all accurate in any way.
We really, you know, should have a female perspective.
And everyone agreed.
And then F-Dub had said, well, hey, you know, this was really great.
You know, maybe we should do a regular space like this, you know, something where we can, you know, bearers have a space to go and just talk about stuff, real life
stuff. Cause you know, we're all bearers first, right? We're all people outside of the trenches,
outside of crypto. And I said, well, yeah, that's a great idea. And he's like, well, Migs, you need
to do it. And I was like, what? I said, wait, that wasn't what I had in mind. And he had said, no,
no, really, you should, you know, think about doing it. And I said, well, again, even if I did,
as I mentioned, we didn't have a female perspective on this, you know, to keep us
kind of aligned. And he said, well, then I guess you probably need to get, you know,
a female to join you. And I said, well, the only really one that I would want to do it with is
maybe Icy. And I said, well, I know she's super busy, you know, with a bunch of different stuff. And he's like, well, you should maybe hit her up.
So, you know, time went by, you know, like a week or two and it kind of had gotten forgotten about.
And then I see we found ourselves in a space, your regular space, two Sprottos, one Barra.
And I had come up and asked a couple of questions.
And during the course of that interaction, it had come out that that was referenced, that particular space we had in the THJ Discord.
And I had mentioned that your name had came up.
And I think your response was, well, who's talking shit?
Right. I think that was kind of where it all started.
From there, again, after that happened, I had kind of explained, right, what I just explained,
and you had said, well, it sounds okay, maybe we should do something, and here we are.
Anything you'd add, Icy, in terms of from your perspective, how this thing kind of got started?
Yeah, two bears, one Sprodo. I'm not a Sprodo, I'm a bear. But no, yeah, that's Frodo. I'm not a Frodo. I'm a bear.
But no, yeah, that's basically it.
I mean, I think it'd be cool to just have a space where people talk about things that aren't trench-related.
I like to yap.
And I think a lot of spaces just end up being really cringe or boring or kind of gay.
So when you offered up the idea to do a space that was about like real life stuff, then I was like, hell yeah, let's do it.
I'm down to share my perspectives.
And I love talking to people about all sorts of stuff. So I figured it'd be a good opportunity to connect more on a,
on a person level with all of these wonderful Anons.
I couldn't agree more. And I think it, it ducktales into kind of, again,
what, what do we hope to accomplish by our time here?
And I think that is exactly what
you just said, is provide a place where people can take a step back, take a breath, and, you know,
get down to kind of the human element, things that they're kind of struggling with, or might
need some guidance on, with, of course, the caveat that we are no experts, right? We are not
professionals by any means, but we're happy to share our thoughts and
if through through that sharing people can get some sort of confidence or get some get some
relief in a way then i think our mission has been accomplished i think that's kind of what we've
we've set out to do and with that i guess we can just hop right into the questions. If you are ready, are we ready to kind of get started?
I heard a barking.
I'm assuming that's yes.
I'm assuming that's yes.
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
Okay.
So the way that the questions are going to go for everyone listening is we received a few.
So we want to read them in the order in which they
were received. And again, if at the end, if more people want to come up live or whatever, that's
fine. We'll absolutely do that. But honoring the people that have taken the time and the effort to
put this in and give us the opportunity to answer these questions, I want to honor that.
Also, everyone I see had, of course, I think no surprise, wanted to obviously remain
anonymous, which we appreciate the trust and the vulnerability in the asking of the questions.
And I want to share per OPSEC protocol, the way that we're handling this is when I receive a DM,
I respond to that person to acknowledge that it's been received. So that way they know that I've
seen it. It's mixed in with
a lot of other you know scammy dms so it can be kind of hard to to navigate so i'll respond to
let you know yep bingo we're good and then i will probably delete it so that that way there's uh for
whatever reason there's no evidence that that ever took place no one will ever know that it's you
it's safe and in safe hands so just to make sure your anonymity is protected. And it's not
like anyone, you know, shared their seed phrase or anything, but just to make sure that bears are
comfortable. But if you feel like sharing your seed phrase, my DMs are always open. Fair enough.
Fair enough. I know that you get plenty of those requests as well. So that is the format that we're
following. That is kind of where we are. So the first question I see that someone sent over, I'll read it here. I can't seem to ever
pick the right partners. I know what qualities I look for, and I think that those are the right
ones for me, but the relationship never works out. What qualities do you look for in a person to have a successful relationship?
Kind of deep. Wow. I see. I'm interested for your thoughts on this. Again, I can repeat the
question again if we need to review it or if you have it, we need to roll. Well, that's kind of,
it's pretty, I feel like that like kind of it's pretty i feel like that like
kind of changes person to person at the end of the day i feel like you just need to find someone
who you can be yourself with and like really it just comes down to like finding someone you can be
best friends with because life is hard and you want to make sure that you're with someone who's gonna you know have
your back and who you can laugh with and who you can trust um so that's gonna look a little
different person to person because we're all different but that's kind of also like the
challenge of it is because we all are also different and it's like who is you know the like best friend for us also i think like
something generally important is like finding someone who's positive uh because like life can
get really dark and so like being with someone who just, doesn't wallow in the negative and, like, can have fun in a situation that maybe isn't super fun is, like, really important, too.
I think it's, I think you really captured it there very well.
I think you really captured it there very well. Obviously, when it comes to relationships and finding someone that you're compatible with, I think you kind of captured it.
How you want to feel, right? How that partner makes you feel and how you want to make them feel.
But in terms of specifics, like actual qualities or traits, for me, I've spent a lot of time thinking about this.
And when it came up, I thought, oh, wow, well, this one for me, you know, I do actually have some very specific things I look for.
Icy, I thought you said one that highlighted it very well.
I think one thing I look for first and foremost is courage in a partner.
Because like you said, life is going to be hard.
So you want to find someone that is going to be willing to move forward with you in spite of their fear.
Now, the absence of fear is not courage, right?
We know that's not talking about someone that's fearless, for me at least, because I think fear is going to be present.
I think that having the courage to overcome that fear is a
quality that I look for. Second one is wisdom. Now, that's not intelligence. That's very different.
I think that wisdom comes from having high situational awareness and leveraging your
past experiences, both positive and negative, so that that way you have an ability to be wise in your decision-making process. And I think the final thing that I look for is someone has faith.
And I think when you hear faith, you think religious. That's not how I would define
this particular trait. There's going to be times when you don't necessarily have all the facts
readily available to make a decision. Something is going to be times when you don't necessarily have all the facts readily
available to make a decision.
Something is going to happen in your life that can't be categorized or qualified or
easily referenced.
Things are going to happen.
And this is going to require you to have some faith, blind faith, in order to make a decision.
And that's somebody that I want to be with that has that ability
that would kind of be in terms of specifics what I would add
anything else I see that you would you would put a stamp on this one with
um yeah I think also just generally finding someone who's not afraid to work really really
hard uh because like sometimes you get lucky in life but um I don't know. Like I just, I think the ability to like handle, handle things with grit,
grit is another one that I think I would,
I would throw in there.
you nailed it.
I think it's important to have,
you know,
it's funny because when you think about it,
sometimes it might,
it might even be the wrong question.
If you think about it,
it could be,
I mean, if you want to attract someone, potentially the better question is what qualities do I need to
work on to be a suitable partner? And I think, like you said, grit, other compatibility, wisdom,
courage, all the things we kind of talked about, I think that's a good guideline. I think agreeableness is also really important. I think we see this a lot in our childhood,
right? If you look back when we're kids and we're on the playground, who did we want to play with
and who would most kids want to play with? It's the kids that were the most agreeable,
that wanted to do things that you wanted to do, that made you feel welcomed. And I think we were
conditioned at a very young age to have that. So I think that that has to be present. And in order
to find yourself, hey, am I agreeable? Am I courageous? Am I wise? Do I have grit? I mean,
you got to do a fair amount of self-evaluation there. And I think that's probably
the most difficult part. You know, certainly for me personally, you know, I've had three very
serious relationships in my life, but they all ended the exact same way. Now, these were very,
very different women, completely different ages, cultures, race, age. I mean, they had nothing in common, literally. But at the same time, they all ended the exact same way. So at that point, I had to do some self-evaluation. I had to look at myself, okay, what role did I play in this? I'm the only common denominator here.
I think that logically, sometimes you have to look at your relationships, both successful and unsuccessful, and evaluate, hey, what role did I play?
And have some self-evaluation when thinking about it.
I see thoughts on that.
Yeah, I mean, accountability is really important.
being able to like own up to when you're wrong and like just genuinely make an effort to grow.
I think everyone is going to make mistakes, but it's more important to have the humility
to recognize like when you're wrong and recognize that like you know everyone is imperfect
um and also like showing a little bit of grace within reason when the other person
is imperfect uh so long as they too are like willing to be accountable and grow from it
who are willing to be accountable and grow from it.
So I guess that also boils down to just like both parties need to be willing to show grace to themselves and to each other, again, within reason.
Patience and forgiveness.
So, so important. So important. Well, again, we hope that that answered the question to that bearer out there. And again, anxious for any
follow-up anyone might have, feel free to say, oh, hey, that really helped, or hey, that really
sucked. We are absolutely open to feedback, because it's all about the bearers. I see the second question, this one cut a little deep because I had a friend ask me something very similar.
So this is an interesting one. This bearer writes,
been in a committed relationship for a little over a year and I'm pretty happy, I guess,
but I'm not happy about paying for everything every time we go out.
But I feel like less of a man if I don't pay.
But with everything costing so much, it makes it really hard to keep up.
What do you guys think?
Is it cool for the man to always have to pay?
I see thoughts.
Icy, thoughts?
Um, that is going to depend on what the situation, like what the relationship looks like.
Uh, I think in this day and age, we've kind of become, it's like become normalized that
men and women like split everything financially, but it depends. If both partners
are working, then both partners need to be contributing financially and also contributing
to the household chores and errands. I think there are some situations where if the relationship has determined what
works for them is that the man provides financially and the woman provides support in the home,
then it would then make sense that the man is expected to cover the finances including the fun stuff when they go
out like if if the woman has agreed to be a full-time home maker then you know she probably
doesn't have the ability to pay for things but you know if if they're both working, if they're both contributing in that regard, I would say that, well, then you need to have a conversation about, you know, what I think it really comes down to, like, you need to just have a conversation with them about what the expectations are within the relationship and within the roles that each partner is providing.
Um, cause it sounds like there is some miscommunication between these two people on what is expected.
Um, I will say that I think that, you know, that is something to be said if like your partner never offers to pay and they do have the money to do so um I can't make any assumptions here because I know nothing about the situation apart from what
I've just heard so yeah I guess it would come down to like you need to have a conversation with your
partner about like what the what the expectations on the roles are within that relationship dynamic
and determine if what each partner expects and wants is an alignment.
I think, I think you're really onto something there with the communication side.
Ultimately that's the first step. And again, based on this, it's safe to assume maybe there is
a lack of communication, but let's assume as an example, they have communicated and it was, yes,
I expect this as a result of the end of the conversation. Like this is my expectation of you.
And this is why. I think that, and it's ironic, because a second bear asked kind
of a similar question, which was just very simply, should a man be expected to pay on the first date
was the next question. So maybe we can kind of answer both in this kind of conversation,
because it's kind of both financial and obviously one, like you said, has a lot to do with
communication. The other one is you're meeting someone for the first time. So very different.
The communication piece wouldn't solve for that because this is an initial encounter.
But I think on, again, he said, he mentions here, been in a relationship for a little
over a year.
I'm happy, I guess.
That means to me, you're probably not real happy.
If I'm really happy, I don't say, oh, yeah, I'm happy, I guess.
I don't say, oh, yeah, I'm happy, I guess.
Right.
Right.
Probably some reservation there a little bit.
So maybe the uncomfortability of this situation is all of it.
Maybe there's more.
But high level, I think that the whole 50-50 dynamic is pressed more and more.
And I don't know if it's because of the culture or it's because it's
demanded. Meaning life is very expensive now, now more than ever. In the past, it might have been,
hey, this is an option. Would you prefer me to, you know, as the man, handle the financial,
and you can join in and get a job and contribute? Or I see, like you said, you know, maybe
it's divided where, you know,
the woman takes a more traditional role in the home and facilitates that. But I think now it's
almost not an option. Like, well, we can't make it unless we both work. Okay. I think that that's
probably more normal now than ever. So if you're forced to work, both of you, in order to make ends meet, and now the second part of this evolves into, okay, is this, we are both having to work for the necessities, but the options, right, going out and purchasing things, the mall, the movies, the food, whatever, because it's already assumed that we're splitting it from the necessities, right? We have to.
Do you think that then it's automatically assumed that the things that are not necessities are also supposed to be split 50-50 and maybe this might be where it's coming from?
Yeah, I think in that situation, like, I don't know if, I think that, yeah, like, ever since they put women in the workplace, like, just society has changed.
And like you said, like, it's now more expensive than ever to live.
I mean, we could get down a whole conspiracy theorist rabbit hole with that in and of itself.
But to stay on track here, yeah, like if you're in a situation where you both have to contribute financially, then I think it's just unreasonable.
then I think it's just unreasonable.
And I would honestly question, like, the values of your partner
where they're never willing to help pay for the fun stuff,
but they expect the fun stuff to happen.
I would wonder, naturally, like, okay, so then what does it look like on a deeper level like are you guys
splitting bills if you are splitting bills like what is that what does that look like and then
furthermore you know if again like I said before like if your partner whether man or woman, if your partner is just never seemingly willing to contribute toward you guys going out and having fun and having experiences together, where do their values lie? Where do their priorities lie? Is it a situation where the partner just genuinely does not make enough money to have fun. And if that's the case and you're also struggling
to afford it, well, there's lots of ways to have fun
for free or for a very low cost.
So maybe that means that you're just not going out as much
and just instead getting some snacks
and having home movie nights or figuring out
like low cost ways to have fun together.
So I feel like like it's you
know there needs to be more information on like well what did the finances look
like within the relationship in order to have like a more clear understanding of
what the existing dynamic is but yeah at a very high level. I mean, my natural reaction is just to be like, okay, well, if your partner has money, which I assume, because everyone needs to work nowadays, except for the very rare few.
you know why don't they want to contribute toward the fun experiences and then again
if they don't want to contribute toward those do they have an expectation that the fun experiences
still happen because then that's not really reasonable for them to complain about what
kinds of fun experiences are happening uh it really just depends on what the person who is
expected to pay for them can
comfortably afford. And after a year, you'd think that they probably have a pretty good idea what
that looks like. So you can kind of gauge that right after a year, you kind of know what is and
isn't realistic, both as the provider and as the receiver of whatever experience. I think the second half of this
question, or again, the second question asked by someone else, it kind of has, again, financial
undertones is, should the man be expected to pay on the first date? Because this is, again, you don't
have any idea what to expect. This is a first time going out. It's an interesting one for me. I'm
anxious for your initial thoughts on that, Izy. So I have a more traditional approach to
relationships. So I would say yes, but also I don't expect a first date to be very expensive.
My idea of like a good first date,'re getting to know someone go to a coffee
shop together you know or like have like a drink together just to like have an opportunity to be
together in in a public space and like get to talk with them but for me personally, I think that, you know, I do still value more of a traditional
like situation with relationships. But yeah, I would frankly be uncomfortable if like, let's say
I'm going on a first date with a guy and he wanted to take me to a steak dinner. I wouldn't want that
because again, like this is the first time meeting.
We're not even sure if we like each other like that.
We're not sure what the chemistry there is like.
So, yeah, I would say in most cases,
unless, like, there are situations, I'm sure,
where, like, a first date can be picked up by the woman.
But for a first date, me personally, I do expect overall for a man to pay for it.
But again, it shouldn't be an expensive date because you're just getting to know this person.
And later on in the relationship, I think it's more reasonable to go back and forth.
Whoever invites someone out on a date can pay.
But yeah, that's my two cents.
What about you?
This is really fascinating to me.
And thank you for the feedback.
A couple of follow-up things.
From a man's perspective, I like what you said about the first date shouldn't necessarily be
expensive. So therefore, if it is on the man, it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's not like
we're spending a thousand dollars on our first night out together, right? It's going to be coffee
for 20 bucks or whatever. But from a man's perspective, I would say that in order for you to give yourself
the best chance at understanding, hey, is there, like you said, chemistry here?
Is there something that might have a future? You want to provide the best environment possible.
You don't want the environment to be the distractor. You want,
again, the conversation is important, the vibes, the energy, you know, the values,
all the things you're going to discuss. That's the meat. There's no question. But at the same time,
you want to have that interaction in an environment. And while a coffee shop could or
couldn't be necessarily inviting, I would say that a nice steak dinner, a really good meal
for me from a man's perspective would be where I would want to go first because that would give me
the best opportunity to ensure the environment is not a distraction. What are your thoughts on that?
I see where you're coming from.
I think if I'm understanding correctly, if you have a sit-down meal,
it's a longer form sort of situation where it's a little bit more structured.
I mean, and I think like if you're,
hopefully if you have good discernment,
even if it is a first date,
you have already talked with the person enough
to kind of gauge at a very high level,
like whether they have potential
to be a good partner for you.
I do think, you know, it is also,
it could be like a good sort of test.
Not that I think you should be like necessarily
like testing people without their knowledge,
but just like a kind of like a way to see like,
okay, so if it is our first date
and we go out to a dinner,
like are you going for the
most expensive meal on the menu? How do you treat the waitstaff? You know, how do you,
are you able to give undivided attention without looking at your phone, for instance?
So yeah, I think it just depends. But I think at the end of the day, like, again, I have more of a traditional view of relationships where like, I think ultimately, society has thrived for a very long time on a more traditional structure of the roles that men and women play.
that men and women play.
So to me personally,
that does come with an expectation
that I want a man to lead.
So I want whatever he wants to do,
I'll let him do
because in that situation,
I'm trying to see,
do I like how you lead?
Indeed. Indeed. I wonder how you lead? Indeed. Indeed.
I wonder how much of this, you know,
the question and or just the general sense that is society today.
Do you, what are your thoughts on the,
I mean, in psychology, it's referred to as the fame complex. Are you familiar with the
fame complex? Do you know what I'm talking about when I say that? I am not. Can you give a TLDR?
Yeah. The TLDR is like, if you're a really famous person, like a famous actress, actor,
athlete, whatever, you inherently feel as if your presence adds value. And you see this manifest itself by, hey, you know,
come to my club. I'll let you in for free. You can have the bottles and the table in the center,
right? Normally that's a $10,000 tab, but because you, you know, you are who you are,
it's free. So therefore inherently they feel, well, my presence adds value. Why? Because I'm
desired, whether it's, you know, for my acting ability,
my athletic ability, my beauty, whatever. But sticking with the beauty side, women have,
again, psychology now, this is studies, some women feel that they add value just by their presence
being there. And you see this more in women that are extremely attractive.
And they say it's, again, the fame complex, which is, again, when you're heavily desired, when you're highly coveted, it's inherent that you feel this way, man or woman.
But inherently, more women experience this because women are coveted more than men.
I mean, we see this.
I don't know that that's up for debate. Anyone that would feel differently about that, we can
certainly disagree or debate it. But I think we can say that, you know, women on the average are
more coveted than men. So as a result, this sort of stuff happens. Well, wait a minute.
Why should I have to give any of the money? My presence is valued. If not by you, whoever the gentleman is, I have a line of men, you know, in my DMS or, you know, knocking at my door and they're dying to pay for my coffee, my dinner, my whatever it might be.
So therefore, maybe you don't understand what's at stake, sir. Right. I am coveted the same way an athlete or someone famous is.
So as a result, it's that sense of entitlement, right or wrong.
What are your thoughts on that, Isi?
I think that's a really stinky attitude to have.
Something that my dad taught me was looks fade. And so anyone who acts like they are better than anyone else, simply because of how they look, I think is just really short sighted and kind of narcissistic, to put it bluntly.
Something that my dad taught me was looks fade.
bluntly um and i do like see women like that that are like oh well a man should pay for me because
i spend all this money to look this good i think that's the wrong way to go about it or the wrong
way to view it personally because you know like i said before like just with how I value more of a traditional relationship, I think each person has something to add.
And it should be beyond how you look or how much other people want you.
If you're going out on a date with someone, it should be because you have a genuine interest in them.
Not viewing it like, what can this person provide for me? But more so,
is this someone that I could see potentially wanting to build a life with? So I think as a man,
you have to ask yourself, are you going out on first dates with women who have that perspective and if so maybe do a little bit of self-reflection on like okay well are you picking the right kind of woman
to go on a first date with and some men want a woman like that you know, like, value is how hot they are. But in that case, they're not going to
be complaining about having to foot the bill, because they understand that. So if you're the
type of man who doesn't have that expectation, then I think you need to just like find a woman who
shares that life view with you, you know, if that makes sense.
Well, sticking with what kind of what you said, it's understood, right? As you mentioned, like,
if the man is interested in that style of woman, then he understands that, okay, I know that's the way
she is. So therefore I obviously shouldn't take umbrage with the fact that I have to pay the bill.
I know that's the way it is that that's the price of admission, if you will. I think,
I think you touched on something. Obviously there's a toxic form that you mentioned, which is,
oh, Hey, I'm better than X, Y, and Z. I deserve, right? I think that's the
toxic side of it. Sure. Absolutely. I don't know that that's healthy. I don't know if that's
productive. I think the opposite side is not a toxic side, but a reality side. Beauty is important
in all things. There's a reason why people go to Hawaii and look at the sunset. It's beautiful.
There's a reason why people fly to Rome and look up at the beautiful ceiling, the Sistine Chapel, because it's beautiful.
So beauty should never be understated.
That is a powerful thing.
And you can make it toxic the same way you can make anything else toxic.
But I do understand the value that anybody, a man or a woman, if they're exceptionally handsome or exceptionally beautiful, that they place on themselves as, hey, this is rare and it is coveted.
Now, you can take that and leave it there as, you know, I'm proud of that.
I'm excited about that.
I'm not going to use it.
going to use it. I'm not going to weaponize it. I'm not going to be toxic with this,
I'm not going to weaponize it.
I'm not going to be toxic with this.
but I am going to obviously put it out there in a way that it's recognized. And as such,
there is an elevated status with that, right? There is, with that level of beauty,
it does come with an elevated status. Wouldn't you agree or no?
does come with an elevated status wouldn't wouldn't you agree or no yeah um I mean it is
definitely uh a rare gift to be born just naturally beautiful but I think again that just like
how like how you How you view that in terms of like, how do I say this?
I think that there's just a huge difference between recognizing like, yes, I am beautiful and I could have my pick of anyone realistically versus like the entitlement.
I think it comes down to the entitlement.
I think personally entitlement
is just like a really unattractive trait.
So yeah, I don't know.
It just comes down to that, I think.
Well, you're onto something there, right?
There's a big difference between I am capable of acquiring this because of my skill, because
of my beauty, because of my resources, whatever it might be.
I'm capable.
I have the ability.
And I'm proud of that versus I deserve this.
This is my birthright.
I am entitled. There's a very fine line there. And I
think regretfully, the vast majority of the time it goes the other way toward the negative, which
is it's, what do you mean? It's my birthright. I'm entitled to this. Like, this is how it works.
As opposed to, well, I've worked very hard to make myself attractive. I've worked very hard to make myself rich. I've worked very hard
to make myself intelligent. I've done a lot of things to get myself to this point. I'm proud
of my accomplishments. And as such, I have an elevated status, not out of entitlement,
just that I realize where I am. And I'm excited about that. And I'm proud of that. And I don't
look down on anyone that wants to work as hard as me. I welcome them. But I think, to your point, it typically goes toward entitlement, and it's unfortunate.
So with that, this is our next one, and probably our final one, as we close in on the hour.
This is an interesting one. I see this is, the Bearer writes, Can people really stay friends after they have had a past?
Also, should they be cut off if one of them gets in a new relationship?
Or can it not be a problem?
Thoughts?
I think it totally depends on the situation.
I think for the most part, it's not a reasonable expectation that you
can remain friends after a relationship. And I think out of respect for your new relationship,
you shouldn't, you know, prioritize that past relationship because,
like, surely you have friends outside of that past relationship. You don't need to hang on to that.
I think there are examples where it can genuinely work, but those are going to be a lot more far and few between versus it's overall
just for the better that if you have a relationship with someone and it doesn't work out that you
close that chapter and you you know respect the space that they had in your life and the lessons
that and experiences that they like offered you and move on with grace.
Especially, again, it's out of respect for being with someone new.
So yeah, at a high level, that would be my initial reaction.
What about you?
No, I think you've nailed it here.
I'm going to have a hard time improving on it.
Very eloquently said, and I
think you're absolutely spot on. And I, as you mentioned, it might be few and far between.
I've never seen it. Now, I've heard of it. I've just never seen it. So I don't know that that actually exists. I don't know if an environment has been created where you had an intimate partner.
And for whatever reason that concluded, typically you're an ex for a reason.
But let's say that reason was amicable and as good as it possibly could be.
Once you enter into another relationship with somebody else, as you mentioned, out of respect,
I don't see how you could continue that.
I mean, let's just play it out.
You know, you are at a event, a picnic, a concert, a movie, whatever,
parties, even better yet, a house party, and everyone's there. You're there with your new
partner that you're in, tangled with, and in walks your ex. And, you know, it's a smile and a handshake or a kiss on the cheek, whatever it might be.
Odd. But now, you know, the party's ensuing and here you are, you know, enjoying the company of your ex.
Right. You're talking about, you know, old times or the family or a Christmas, what you're going to do, whatever the conversation may be.
And you're laughing and dancing and having a great time. And there is your partner like, oh, yeah, look at look at my current boyfriend.
Look at my girlfriend. They're having a great time with their ex.
They're really close friends. Yeah, that just no, that doesn't sound right to me.
That just doesn't feel right as you say it out loud.
Am I off base there, Icy?
No, I think you're hitting the target with it. I mean, there's absolutely nothing wrong,
I think, with seeing an ex and exchanging pleasantries and even taking a moment to
catch up. Because especially if it's an amicable break, then there's no reason to be immature or disrespectful if you do come across that person again in the future.
But it shouldn't be taking away from you being with your current partner whatsoever.
current partner whatsoever if anything you could potentially in a situation like that where like
it's unexpected to come across them you haven't seen each other in a while you know take a take
a moment to catch up but you know again like I think respect here is really the main thing where
it's like I feel like in that situation like you could always just like flip it around
like how would you feel if your partner's ex walked in and suddenly they're like
you know totally interlocked with each other like in conversation not even giving you the time of
day like that wouldn't feel very good so it's always
like I think in that kind of situation like I think in any situation but particularly this
uh empathy is like the big thing where it's like okay if you think this is okay flip it
and ask yourself if you would be okay if it was the other way around and like be honest with
yourself well i i think that you're onto it there obviously yeah you you have to make sure that you
walk a mile right walk a mile in in the other person's shoes i think that this question may
and again we don't know but i've been asked similar questions or been placed in similar situations where this might be a result of the insecurity jealousy type issue where I think now more than ever, men and women alike are vilified if there's even the smallest hint of jealousy.
You're insecure.
I'm not doing anything.
Nothing's there. Why are you acting like this you're
childish etc etc now granted that behavior is unacceptable you don't want to be pressuring
your partner or putting excess issues into the relationship when there is nothing there. Of course, that is true. Acknowledging that.
But I think there's plenty of occurrences where there is legitimate cause for concern
and not out of insecurity, not that you're coming from a place of, oh my goodness,
you're going to go back with that guy.
You're you know, you preferred him over me.
You know, you obviously, you know, you interact with him in a way that you don't interact with me.
There might be something right.
We're not talking about an insecure situation.
And I think a lot of that gets framed in this.
Like, well, why should I have to stop talking to somebody that that I get along with that?
I know unequivocally is never going to be romantic again?
I'm certain of that.
And I've shared that with you.
So does that mean you don't believe me?
Do you not trust that I'm not telling you the truth?
How much of that, I see, do you think plays a role in this scenario?
do you think plays a role in this scenario?
I think it's completely reasonable as human beings
to feel like jealousy or feel,
I don't know if territorialism is too strong of a word here,
but kind of on the gist of that,
if you're with a partner
and you see them with an ex like there's just so many examples especially in this day and age where
you know like some unsavory things are very like common to happen it's not unreasonable in my opinion to
have an expectation that if you are with someone like they're not entertaining their ex
they're not buddies with their ex and again like there's situations like where if you just bump
into them in public and you're like oh hey like hey, like, what's up? How you doing?
And like, I think it should be very reasonable also to exchange some words, catch up or whatever.
But, you know, it doesn't have to go deeper than a surface level.
Oh, it's good to see you again.
How have you been?
That's really awesome. Blah, blah, blah, it's good to see you again. How have you been? That's really awesome.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Okay, moving on.
I mean, I think insecurity does, like, it's something that you should be wary of.
But again, I just think it really comes down to, like, respect.
If you really respect the person that you're with and they express discomfort with something, you should be able to have a dialogue with them and come to an understanding.
Compromise is a big part of relationships.
So if you're with someone that you are genuinely interested in building a life with, you will have to compromise.
genuinely interested in building a life with, like you will have to compromise.
And it just depends on what your priorities are.
Is your priority building a life with this person?
And if it is, no ex should be important enough to prioritize over that within reason.
Like if your partner is like freaking out just because you're
even saying hi to them and exchanging some polite pleasantries then i think that should also be
another thing to like look at you know because there's a huge difference between like hey i'm
not really comfortable with you being friends with your ex and I don't even want you looking at them if we
come across them in public like those are two very different scenarios so like most things I think it's
it's not black or white and it just takes a little bit of nuance and understanding to navigate a
particular situation of course yeah there's nuance in everything. As you
mentioned, it's important to recognize the difference between a jealous, controlling,
sort of toxic situation that's unreasonable. Is the request unreasonable? And how do you gauge
that? What's unreasonable? Because you could say that's all got nuance to, I think, yeah, what I may consider unreasonable or what you may consider unreasonable,
we may need to take with a grain of salt, but there's always a standard. There's always a
standard. And that is, if you were to take every single person and you were to put them in that
situation, where would the majority go? Now, that doesn't necessarily mean the majority is right in quotes, but that should always
be your guidepost.
And the greater the majority, the greater the unreasonability.
I think that that has to be your guiding light is, is the request reasonable or is it unreasonable?
I think the other point in terms of, like you said, sacrifice or respect for your partner, there is always the whole inequality argument, right?
Which is, well, you don't have to do that sacrifice.
You're not friends with your ex.
You don't have to do that.
I have to do that.
So therefore, I'm having to sacrifice more than you.
This isn't equal.
You don't have to do anything.
All the sacrifice is on me.
And that's not fair.
How would you respond to that?
So wait, say that again.
If the situation is, you aren't friends with your ex, but I am.
So the sacrifice that you mentioned for compatibility purposes is, again,
you have to be able to go with your partner and sacrifice at some point.
You have to make those small agreements.
But if I'm the one that has to do it and you aren't, right?
I'm the person that's the friend that I have to let go of.
I'm the only one that's sacrificing, not you.
It's not equitable.
It's not fair.
You are the one that's gaining.
It's not even.
What would you say there?
I don't think any relationship is ever going to be completely 50-50.
There's going to be give and take,
and they're going to show up just in different areas.
So if this is a situation where the person is saying,
I would be allowed to be friends with an ex, but you're not,
okay, well then there is an inequity,
and that's something deeper to explore.
But if it's a situation where it's like,
okay, well, I was friends with my ex.
You are not.
You now expect me to not be friends with my ex.
I think that would come back down to
how willing are you to explore life with this person?
Because, again, surely you should have plenty of friends
outside of your ex
where it's not like you're losing your only friend.
And I don't know.
Again, it's nuanced.
I think it just depends on the situation.
There's always going to be give and take,
and they're more often than not just going to be in different areas
so i think it just comes down to like you need to be able to have open communication with
your partner on what the expectations are and what that looks like
um to determine if like you guys really are compatible.
Agreed. Yeah. In terms of resolution, communication, and having the courage to ask the question,
I think as a guiding post, is it okay? I think that you and I are aligned on no, directionally.
on no directionally, no, not appropriate.
And for all the reasons that you had kind of mentioned out of, you know,
respect and just kind of your North star being exclusivity.
So I think we're, we're aligned there with that. Again,
we've reached the top of the hour.
Obviously there were some other questions that had,
that didn't have the opportunity to be asked, but we, committed to asking them. And our next Bearers After Dark, next Tuesday,
Icy, are we still on the calendar for next Tuesday, the 19th?
I have it as a recurring event in my calendar.
As do I. As do I. So again, I can say I so appreciate the vulnerability of these bearers sending us these, these asks.
Clearly there is an appetite for people to ask some questions and just get a new fresh perspective outside of the trenches.
And at the end of the day, I hope that we can provide them with a safe place where they can ask the question.
Maybe everything we've said here won't offer them any peace at all.
They're like, oh my God, what a monument a waste of time.
But maybe they will be like, wow, that's a new perspective.
That's really interesting.
And they can take something from it and feel welcomed and feel re-energized.
Yeah, I think at the end of the day, know if uh if you just feel a little bit more
connected then we've done what we set out to do um so yeah shout out to all the bears that
wrote in and you know please feel free to continue to write in um
yeah i think it's cool that there's like a space here where we can offer that sort of
that sort of vulnerability with the safety of anonymity in this scenario so hopefully
everyone who did write in has a chance to listen back to this and find you know what they were
looking for whether that be advice or just generally.
Sometimes all it takes is like talking about it.
And it's not even what the other person says.
It's just the act of talking about it that brings you clarity, like getting it out of your head.
So even if it was just that, then you know what?
Hell yeah.
Beautifully stated.
Beautifully stated. Beautifully stated.
Well, with that, we'll shut it down.
Again, we'll see you all next Tuesday.
And again, I'm really looking forward to it.
Thank you for the folks that showed up live.
We got a couple people out there, SJ, Dan, Pockets.
I know we had a couple other people popping in and a couple other bears that were sitting in the background.
So thanks so much, guys, for joining us.
And we'll see you all next Tuesday.
Take care.
