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FROM THE VAULT: National Lampoon Radio Hour
Recorded: Jan. 3, 2023 Duration: 0:59:39Space Recording
Full Transcription
And now, the National Lampoon Radio Hour, brought to you by 7-Up, the Uncola.
7-0, we see the light of 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, we see the light of 7-0, we couldn't have made
it through the day without something to show the way, and that something keeps us going.
7-0, 7-0, we see the light of 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, we see the light of 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, we see
the light of 7-0, 7-0, we see the light of 7-0, 7-0, we see the light of 7-0, 7-0, we see the light of 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7
goes. And he says, yeah, I'd like to go to the Ice Capades. The theme this year is the Nutcracker
suite. They're going to have bears on skates, rodents on skates, eels on skates. Parents say
great. Father doesn't have the money to buy tickets, has an awful job. He scrapes gum off
the floor of a bus terminal, has to go to his boss and borrow money to buy tickets. In order to lend
him the money, the boss makes him forfeit his pension. Boss has very bad vibrations toward
this guy because he frequently finds grape gum on the floor of his bus terminal and feels
that since the guy's kid chews grape gum, there could be a conspiracy involved between the
kid and his father to keep the father's job. Father goes down to buy tickets for the Ice
Capades. Guy at the box office says, listen, it's a smash hit this year. We only have tickets
left for the last night. Guy says, okay. Night of the Ice Capades comes. The guy, his wife
and the kid go, and 15 minutes before the show, the ice melts, and there's nothing left
but these ugly cross sections of pipes and puddles, and it's a pretty grim scene.
PA announcer comes on and says, ordinarily, we'd refund your money in a situation like this
and sell you tickets for another night, but because this is the last night of the Ice Capades,
we're going to refund half your money and perform the show on the pipes. And all these bears come
out and kneels on skates, and they're tripping on the pipes, and the kid is saying, you know,
mommy, daddy, this stinks. Everybody's tripping. Next day, the kid dies. Now, his parents are in
the living room grieving over their loss. There's a knock on the door. They open the door, and
standing there is this bear with ice skates over his shoulders. And he has in his hands two gigantic
tickets to the Ice Capades and says, I have great news for everyone who was at last Wednesday's
fiasco. I'm a representative of the Ice Capades, and we're giving a free makeup performance for
everyone who was at that performance, to which the kid's mother says, in our case, you're a little
late, Mr. Bear. And the bear replies, and if anyone happened to have died since last week's
performance, their ticket is redeemable for $15 worth of grape gum. He's taking out a gigantic box
of grape gum. And the mother says, yeah, but gum can never replace a child. And the bear says,
you say that now, but try chewing a child the next time you're car sick.
For listeners who may have missed our regular weekly reports, here is an update on the progress of
the expedition that set off from in front of our radio studios recently, in search of one of the
last frontiers left on Earth, the East Pole. The expedition, numbering 60 men, 40 husky dogs,
and more than three tons of equipment, last reported its position as somewhere due east of Ceylon,
in heavy seas, with a minor outbreak of rickets and dysentery, but generally excellent morale,
and hopes that they are within striking distance of their goal. Here in our studio control room,
the special radio transmitter has been turned on and warmed up. And in just a moment, with any luck,
we will be hearing this week's report, direct from the East Pole Expedition. Could you come in,
please? East Pole Expedition. And tell us how things are out there.
Come in, please. East Pole Expedition.
Come in, please.
East Pole Expedition. This is the radio studio in New York City. Do you read us? Can you hear us?
Come in, Expedition, please.
East Pole Expedition. Could you speak up, please?
Well, ladies and gentlemen of the listening audience, technical difficulties with radio
transmission make it impossible to speak to the East Pole Expedition team. But next week,
we'll try again. Meanwhile, please keep your dimes, quarters, and dollars coming in to help support
this major scientific effort at discovering the East Pole. Now, back to our regular programming.
Good evening, and welcome to Art for Art Said. Tonight, we will be looking into the French
Impressionists. The French Impressionist movement began in 1896 and was quite short-lived,
only 20 years. Short-lived when one considers all that it produced. But now we are witnessing a
tremendous rebirth. And we have with us this evening several of the new French Impressionists
who are apparently leading this revival. Gentlemen, good evening.
Good evening. Well, why don't we begin with you, sir? Tell us your name and a little about yourself.
Oui. My name is Robert Lamieux, and I am from Lyon. My wife and I own a tiny farm, and I work in the
Renault factory because the farm is so tiny. Good, Robert. What impressions are you going to do for us
tonight? Well, thank you. I am going to do a Jimmy Cagney and Ed Sullivan. Oh, right ahead.
All right, you guys. You are the guys who gave it to my brother right in the back. Dirty bombs like you
should not go on living. Ed Sullivan. Tonight, we have for you a really big show. Thank you.
That was very good indeed. Next, we have the name by which I am calling. It's Claude Vutre. I work at
Sofels. We have no company, but I do not own a farm. I would like to do my impression of
Marlon Brando and Ed Sullivan. Stella, I could have been something, Stella. I could have been a
contender. You brought me up too fast. I could have been a somebody and not a bum, which is what I am.
Et puis Ed Sullivan. That was really wonderful. Let's give the ballet dancers a really big hand.
And finally, our last French impressionist, who is Pierre Mamon. I make my home in Calais and I work for the
Goldwars Company factory. My hobbies are riding my bicycle and French cooking. I want to do Peter Lorry and
Gratio Marx. No Ed Sullivan. Did you get the information? Did you get the information? You didn't get the information. You were supposed to get the information.
Gratio Marx. Just say the secret way and divide the hundred francs between you. Well, that is the earliest thing I ever heard.
Thank you. Thank you all. That's all we have time for, I'm afraid. Make sure to tune in again when we have with us the post-impressionist. Goodbye for now.
You are listening to the National Lampoon Radio Hour. This is Gracie Whitebread speaking.
We're talking about an attitude, not a role. We're talking about living in, not dressing up. We're talking about our own here and now, not some designer's decree of what's in or out.
You could say we're talking about feeling, not fashion. We're talking about, for example, the great genie of America.
We're talking about feathers, the new fashion magazine within a magazine, the fashion magazine appearing in the new ingenue every other month.
We are talking about fashion pages that finally cover the world of fashion that young people are really into,
instead of a plastic world that nobody this side of 25 even has a nodding acquaintance with.
We're talking about feathers. And we're talking about the new ingenue.
Put them both together and you've got the best young woman's magazine being published in America today.
The new ingenue. And inside the new ingenue, feathers at magazine dealers everywhere.
On December 14th, eight editors of the National Lampoon met behind closed doors to discuss this nation's most recent crisis, the impending humor shortage.
You are about to hear the actual voices of George W.S. Trow, Henry Beard, Jerry Sussman, Michael O'Donohue, Ann Beetz, Douglas Kenney, Sean Kelly, and Brian McConaughey as they probe the uncertain future of humor in America.
And this is going to be a little serious tonight.
And it's going to be serious for a couple of reasons.
This is the first time any of us in this group have really come face to face with the humor shortage.
There is a humor shortage in this country.
And we're going to have to deal with it sometime.
And this is Henry Beard, who doesn't normally appear on this program.
Henry's serious.
The editor of the Lampoon.
And I think Henry feels that it's important to talk really to our constituency, the people who count on us for delivering humor to their homes week after week, month after month.
And I'm going to be putting some fairly hard questions to Henry.
And I think Henry is going to be giving some fairly hard answers back.
Henry, what is this, the humor situation?
Are we going to be running up against this kind of humor gap?
I don't think we should kid ourselves on this.
We have a serious gap.
We've seen this coming.
We're going to be accused, I'm sure, of a lack of planning about this.
People will say that we should have known that we were running out of humor, that we should have had a stockpile.
Frankly, it was not possible to plan ahead like this.
The speed at which our humor resources have been used has been incredible.
Obviously, the people of this country have a voracious appetite for humor.
We have a tradition in this country.
The Americans have a humor.
People just don't want to cut down on it.
The whole idea of rationing.
I'm sure you remember in World War II when humor was rationed, when jokes were sent, jokes against Hitler and jokes against Tojo.
All jokes were for our boys.
It was a lot of annoyance, a lot of bad feeling, a lot of cheating.
It was a black market in humor, the joke market.
I'm sure you remember that.
What are the figures, Henry?
I've heard, I mean, the United States is what, an eighth of the world's population?
How much of the world's humor do we consume?
We consume 61% of the world's humor and produce somewhat less than 9%.
So we've been in a humor deficit situation really far.
Yes, since 1948.
I see.
Well, I know traditionally we got, for instance, the turn of the century.
We're getting a lot of humor from Ireland.
Yeah, Ireland and France.
We got a lot from France.
And what's happened to those?
What's happened to the, I mean, the Mick jokes and the...
Well, frankly, George, we've had a problem since the turn of the century.
Now, let's just go down the list and see what some of the big humor sources were around
the turn of the century and see what's become of them.
The Chinese.
We got an enormous amount of humor from the Chinese.
Nobody's laughing at the Chinese anymore.
They haven't had a bomb.
Your average Chinaman is not a source of humor.
Now, we would get humor from the French people.
We still get some humor from the French people, but you can't laugh at them either.
They haven't had a bomb.
Cripples.
Now, Mike, I know that you still get a chocolate or two out of cripples.
I still find cripples amusing, but I can remember when Pat and Mike jokes were as common as,
you know, gravel or whatever is common.
And now there are no more...
The gravel shortage, Mike.
There are no more Pat and Mike jokes.
What has happened to them?
And for their population, the Jews were a wonderful source of humor, even though they
were not one of the world's largest ethnic groups.
The quality of the humor was very high.
Well, you people use up humor quite a bit, though, Jerry, too.
Yeah, but that's no longer the case.
That's no longer the case.
Well, Jerry, Jerry has a good point there, because our proven ethnic reserves in this
country in the 30s were startling.
And a lot of them have, frankly, just gone away entirely.
Well, we still get humor from Poland.
We still get humor from Poland.
Well, we do get humor from Poland.
And massive amounts of humor.
I know in the last five years we've got that.
Your black humor is just not a resource.
It was just cut off.
You know, well, I know, Henry, that we're all confronted now with a prospect, really,
of conservation.
I just wonder if we could go around the table and ask some of our people here who have
been involved in humor all their life what it's going to mean to them personally and
what steps they are taking to conserve what humor they do have left.
Doug, do you have any?
What about your life?
What about your day?
I mean, how much humor were you used to consuming?
What efforts are you making to sort of pull back?
Well, I used to get off, you know, four or five Swifties a day, usually.
You know, I'd wisecracks.
I used to do a lot of wisecracks and sort of smart remarks and stuff.
But I've cut back now.
I, for one thing, I've converted most of my jokes to synthetic providers that have
great success with synthetic humor now.
They have jokes that look funny and sound funny and they're supposed to be funny, but
they're really not funny.
But you can almost, you can, they're almost funny.
Well, it's interesting, Doug, you're mentioning wisecracks, for instance, because, of course,
the, I mean, research has, we've known for a long time that a wisecrack will consume
40 to 50 times as much humor energy as a long, windy story.
And yet, the long, windy story will take up as long or more time.
Absolutely.
So, so in other words, the first thing we can begin to do is to cut down on the wisecracks,
the quick one-liners, and move into the long.
Oh, puns.
Puns are, you, you use, do you know how quickly America's used up puns?
Do you know how few puns there are left?
I think there may be, at this point, two or three thousand original puns left.
Well, in connection with that, I'd like to say that it's probably a good idea, if you
are going to tell the joke, to do it in one of the smaller rooms at the house, and to
get, you know, like if you have everyone in the family saying,
Gather to hear at the same time.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Close, make sure that the doors and windows are closed, because that way, you know, the
humor will last longer.
You can draw it out for longer, because, of course, you're one-liners, too.
I mean, I'm glad you pointed that out.
They just fritter humor away, really.
You know, the same mentality that allowed a guy to get in, you know, an Oldsmobile Toronado
to drive five miles to the store to buy one pack of cigarettes, that's the mentality of
the guy who goes around telling the same one-liner five or six times in a day to five or six different
people, and he couldn't gather them together, tell it once.
This is where your electronic media comes in, because when Jackie Mason tells a joke, or
he tells it to millions of people.
Of course, that kills it for good, Mike.
You realize that?
Well, it kills it for good, but I think it's reaching millions of people.
If he's on primetime television, that's not, as far as I'm concerned, that's not a waste
of energy.
I mean, I think that's a...
Well, you know...
But then you have a large number of people who are unreachable to a certain joke.
You're always going to have them, Brian.
You're going to have them in any society.
What Anne was saying before, though, when you tell that joke in that small room, and
whoever you elect to tell the joke to should be the people who you would assume would appreciate
the joke, and not tell a joke to people, there might be two or three in that group that won't
get the joke.
Oh, that's true.
I mean, it's true.
Never tell a joke to an old person, for one thing, to...
No, I wouldn't limit it to that.
No, but I mean, most old people, their mind gets fuzzy.
It's stupid telling them jokes.
Don't talk jokes to people who don't understand English.
I mean, if you're saying it in English, don't tell a Puerto Rican a joke.
He just won't get the punchline.
It's stupid, and it's wasteful.
I mean, I don't understand that.
People in mental institutions...
What I like, actually, there, you have to realize, and I think the government is going
to be stepping into this, we're going to have to develop a system of priorities.
The first priority is probably going to have to be to our sick people in hospitals.
We're going to have to cheer them up.
The jokes are going to have to go there first.
Now, that might also involve nursing homes and older people.
I think they're definitely number one on the list, and there'll have to be a rationing system.
Number two is probably our boys serving in the military.
Military jokes.
The military has a claim on our humor.
That's a very bleeding-hard approach, Henry.
I mean, if I could just interject my own opinion on this.
I agree with Mike.
I think jokes for the ones that are going to laugh, frankly.
Can I make a point here?
I think it is more fun to laugh at old people than with old people.
It's more concerning, though.
I think they provide...
Most of you can't hear.
Most of you can't hear.
Most of you can't hear.
Most of you can't hear.
When they fall down the stairs, the little pathetic efforts to pick themselves up and,
you know...
Well, I disagree with that.
I mean, I find that...
The problem is that, like, a lot of old people can't hear the humor anyway.
I mean, their eardrums are like wet canvas.
I mean, so it's sort of...
It's a real waste to even, you know, try it.
Well, no, I disagree with that.
We have a number of our senior citizens who are quite responsive.
Their physical age is not reflective of their age.
But, Hoffman, you can use the old jokes on those people.
They want to hear the old jokes.
They know the old jokes.
And you can recycle the jokes.
I have a question.
It's related to, actually, who you tell the joke to.
Because I know that there's been talk about hoarding,
and that hoarding is a bad idea.
Now, if you think of a new joke,
say, in one day, you might think of, oh, you know,
five or six new jokes.
Well, should you tell those jokes immediately?
Or if you save them, would that be considered hoarding them?
If you don't tell them?
I don't understand what the ethics would be on that.
Well, this will all have to be worked out by some kind of joke control.
Do you have an answer to that, Mike?
Now, I'll admit, I was...
I hoarded some jokes.
And now they're no good anymore.
They spoil.
Well, I had some jokes about smoking bananas,
getting ripped smoking bananas.
And they were terrific at the time.
Now, I originally got these jokes in 1966, I guess it was.
I didn't use them.
I held on to them.
Today, they're not funny anymore.
I mean, they're just...
It's not a funny joke, smoking bananas.
And they've turned to ashes in my hand.
Let's get for a minute to the official side of what will be going on,
because the government is going to be involved.
And also, I just want to get the opinion of the people here on...
I mean, there's a lot of talk now that we ought, for instance,
to repeal the restrictions that have been put into effect
in the last couple of years against laughing at women, for instance.
Now, I mean, there's a source...
Because, again, it's like the coal.
I mean, we've got the source of energy.
If we want to face the particulates, you know, we can use the coal.
And if we're willing to take the risks of laughing at women,
we can get over, you know, a lot of our humor gap.
Now, Anne, why don't I go right to you?
I mean, you'll be directly affected by this.
Now, personally, would you rather see the United States
continue to laugh at its normal level,
close the humor gap at the expense of laughing at women all the time?
Well, that's a very hard question to answer, George.
I don't know.
I'd have to give that more thought.
But I would hate to see us relax our standards,
the standards that we've fought so hard.
Boob jokes.
If we can have boob jokes.
We have a stockpile.
You know the one about when they make a turn in the car
and they have their hand out and really it's to dry their fingernails?
That's what we're talking about.
I'd hate to see a joke like that, you know, pass from common usage.
Women driver jokes.
Women driver jokes.
We've got a lot of those, though.
Well, no, I disagree with you because I think this is just the kind of thing
we've finally achieved a situation where some of those jokes
are not in circulation anymore and not being used anymore.
And we'll just be smiling back.
They're stockpiled.
They're ready.
We could have.
Let me just put it this way.
Let me ask Henry.
Henry, instead of having this forum right now,
which has involved practically no humor,
we could have gone right into our files,
into our women joke files and pulled out a lot of,
well, let's put it on the line, offensive jokes.
Yes, and we could keep the city by burning garbage, too,
but do you really think that's such a good idea?
Let me put it to Henry.
Where is the lampoon going to stand in the future on this?
Are we going to fall back on women jokes?
Well, this is a serious question, George.
We have hundreds and hundreds and thousands of potential JTUs of humor.
That's a joke for my units.
On women alone, we could cut them in right now.
We wouldn't have to suffer the selective laugh-outs
that we're going to be having.
I don't know.
This is a moral question, I suppose,
and it's one that I think George is quite right.
It's a direct analogy to the problem we're facing in the energy field
where we know that if we switch to some of these more smoky fuels,
these things here,
that people are going to be having difficulty breathing,
and, of course, that would help us.
If some of the older people died,
we wouldn't have to waste jokes on them,
but you can consider that the problem is linked.
I don't know, George.
I think perhaps...
What about alternate sources of humor?
If we don't go to the women jokes, where are we going to go?
That's a question.
This is where everybody's going to have to pitch in,
and I'm not just talking now about the National Lampoon
and people at the top here,
people who are in the humor-producing field.
Well, I'm talking about the people around the country.
They're going to have to get used to alternate sources of humor.
Now, most people normally wouldn't have thought,
let's say, that a wallet was funny.
They're going to have to get used to the idea that wallets are funny,
and every time we say wallet, they're going to have to laugh.
Powdered eggs is another one.
Powdered eggs, good example.
Now, we could go back to some of these old tried and true things,
like Aardvark or No Way or Sorry About That,
but let's face it.
They don't have that kind of humor potential.
They're just not there.
We're going to have to start some new things.
Like, wallet is an example.
There are many others.
Ashtray.
You don't like that's funny?
If you're going to laugh at it, we'll get some humor.
Wax water lilies.
Excellent example.
Belly button.
I know.
Now, that's what you're all about.
Belly button is not all.
You know, I don't write.
I think everybody's not really taking this quite as seriously
as it should be taken.
I beg your pardon.
I was coming in today.
I read in the Times that most people don't even know this,
but the last known elephant joke, the last new known elephant joke
was told by Sally Peterson in Long Island, October 17th.
I think it was 73.
73, and it was the last one.
After that, there aren't any more.
And you can give an example of what it was like, how it has petered out.
It was, I think it was, as I remember, how can you tell if an elephant is dying?
And the answer was, well, it rolls around and twitches and trumpets in pain
and blood runs out of its trunk, and the vultures come and pick out its eyes.
We could have saved that one, Doug, but I think since you use it as an illumination,
that's the last one.
That's not bad.
Now, Doug, can I answer that?
Because there is a, and these are new, these are just coming into the, now,
is the Polish elephant joke, which is, how can you tell Dumbo is Polish
by the hair under his ears?
Now, that is not particularly funny, but it combines, at least,
How can you tell the elephant at a Polish wedding?
It's a big gray one wearing it.
Well, now it's probably time to get back to the official side of things.
The whole debate of rationing, for instance, versus a tax increase.
As we all know, President Nixon, who served in the Smile Board during World War II
and testifies to the bureaucratic inefficiency of the Smile Board,
is opposed to rationing.
Now, are we, Henry, going to be faced with a humor tax of some kind?
And is this going to make, for instance, humor absolutely inaccessible
to the lower-income groups in this?
Is it only going to be the rich men?
Are they going to be the only ones going to be allowed to laugh?
That's the question.
It could happen, George.
I mean, we may be faced with a situation.
$10 National Lampoon.
$10 cover price, that kind of thing.
That's not a bad idea.
It could happen, George.
We may just have to ration humor on a need-to-laugh basis.
There's a number of systems that have been proposed.
The bureaucracy is a problem.
We're aware of that.
Coupons.
There's a lot of cheating that could go on.
But I think we just have to face up to the fact
that we're going to be waking up one morning,
and we're just not going to have any humor left.
Now, we can start right now making it possible,
in the words of the president,
what was it, to have everybody sacrifice a little
so nobody had to suffer an awful lot.
Brian, what was your average humor consumption
at an average day?
You used a little bit more than the national average.
It was about 71%, 72% more than the national average
because of the nature of my business.
We could go around, and maybe everybody here
could suggest one or two things
that the average person at home might do
to conserve humor right there, at the point.
I was very fond of consuming a great deal of liquor,
and the following morning would get up,
stumble about in my hangover and make hangover jokes
and crash into things and find it very amusing
and talk jokes about brain damage and all that.
I won't do that anymore.
I will stay in debt.
I will not get up.
That's a very good suggestion.
Very constructive.
Sean, do?
Special Canadian problem, I might add,
because they're linked quite closely to us.
Their economy is exactly the same.
They have the same problem.
First of all, the area in which I feel that most humor is wasted is shtick.
I think if we cut down on shtick, that we could probably conserve a fair amount of humor.
There's also the question of resorting to irony.
I think if we fell back on our vast untapped resources of irony and sarcasm that we could probably get along.
I don't see what I'm suggesting is that the shortage is in some ways hyped up.
Well, you must realize that the cost of extracting sarcasm from many situations has just put it out of the reach.
The only accessible bits of irony and sarcasm, I mean ones that are going to be used by large numbers of people
to achieve the kind of savings you're talking about, things like so's your old man and pardon me for living.
These are things that people aren't going to be satisfied with for a very long time.
You know, a very interesting example of how a lot of humor consumption has gotten out of hand,
I think, is just to show what's happened to the hot foot.
I mean, the classic hot foot, you've got a usually wooden match.
A lot of people even use paper matches.
And if a guy was sleeping, you'd stick the wooden match under the sole of his shoe and you light it.
And, you know, a couple minutes later, he's up dancing around one foot, screaming in pain.
You know, like if you did that in a commuter car, you'd get 50 or 60 people laughing from one match.
Now, if you burn one wino, I mean, they use about, you know, two, three gallons of gasoline just for one.
I mean, and there's usually like, you know, two or three kids stand around.
And that just gives you an example.
Doug, I think I hate to bring politics into this discussion, but I think that what's happened is
the reason that sarcasm and irony are out of the reach of the average man
is that the politicians have practically a monopoly on cynicism,
which is a prerequisite for your irony and your sarcasm.
Well, you know, give me an ironic statement.
See, I can't even, I mean, off the top of my...
There's one right there.
This is a very funny show.
Oh, that's...
Who cares about that?
Is that true?
That's cheap sarcasm, which is...
I would distinguish between cheap sarcasm or synthetic irony.
We're going to be using a lot more of that cheap sarcasm than the...
We'll be doing ways to come.
Let's think of some of the...
I've got a...
Well, there's one...
Practical jokes is one.
I mean, always leave them...
I think that was a good point that Doug made.
We've always heard...
Always leave them laughing.
Well, we can't do that anymore.
Sometimes...
Sometimes we just have to leave them smiling.
Sometimes we just have to leave.
I mean, you just leave, say goodnight, that's it, goodbye.
Leave them pleasantly.
I think so.
Leave them pleasantly.
Leave them with good manners.
Practical jokes.
Don't be stupid.
I mean, just don't go out in some sort of a huff.
Leave them graciously.
There's another fallback area, by the way.
Lears and smirks.
I mean, we may just have to look...
To put up with lears and smirks where we had been getting belly lads.
And don't forget the Chuck Leetic joke.
I think one thing we're overlooking...
I mean, we're talking about trying to find new sources of humor.
I think if we go back to the old sources of humor, for example...
The Bible.
Well, the Bible's a good one.
But I think tickling.
I mean, people have been tickling each other for 6,000, 7,000 years.
And I think tickling went out of vogue in about the 50s and 50s.
And they got in a deep massage and this sort of thing.
And tickling's really gone by the board.
And there's an untapped reservoir.
Also, there's a natural twitch.
And here on my right.
I mean, right now, she's just sort of sitting there smoking a cigarette.
But if I tickled her right now, I think you'd see a natural emission of laughter.
At what cause?
At what cause?
Let's give me a demonstration.
You see?
You see?
She won't laugh again for a week.
Now, this is humor.
That's a wives' tale.
That's a wives' tale.
Look, it's not a wives' tale.
That's the whole point of that.
No, I disagree with you because I think in order for a...
Tell a joke.
Go ahead, Ed.
Tell a joke.
I think you're right.
I think she can.
I mean, she could have told a joke a minute ago.
She had enough humor, energy, built up.
You tickle her, she laughs.
That girl's not going to be funny again for a week.
I promise you.
Look, this is an endless controversy.
I suppose I think that bats can get caught in your hair and never can be combed out.
Don't you think that's true?
Is that a joke?
If that's a joke, save the punchline.
We've all agreed that we're not going to tell any jokes, but we're not having me.
Listen, I have a practical thing I'd like to say here.
This is something, just to give you an example of what the average person can do to conserve humor.
Now, take, for example, the trucks that are on the road.
And Mr. Adani and I have talked about this many times.
On the backs of many trucks, you'll see a joke sign.
Instead of saying, pass, don't pass, they'll say, passing, side, suicide.
Now, they took those jokes off.
Truck yucks.
Yeah, truck yucks.
Now, think of the amount of humor that could be saved if every trucker took those things off the truck.
And restrooms.
Yeah, restrooms.
Funny side.
Last and last.
This is the kind of thing we really should be talking about, these little practical things.
For instance, in your daily transactions, I mean, when you go to the bank, you know, that kind of thing.
Just, you know, just hold on to yourself.
Don't say anything humorous to the teller, you know.
Just don't, like, expend the humor energy in these tiny little transactions because that's where it goes.
You don't realize it, but that's where it goes, like in the little quips that you make with people.
And it's wasted, too.
Nobody's benefiting, really, from that.
Nobody is, no.
And another thing is recycling, which you can definitely do.
And everybody can do this in their own way.
I mean, for instance, if you take, like, a Polish joke.
Well, there's a shortage of Polish jokes.
But take an ethnic joke.
Well, that ethnic joke can be recycled and adapted to different ethnic groups.
Now, this is true because we used to make fun of black people at one time.
Okay?
We don't do that anymore.
There are still groups.
I think the Cuban community could provide a lot of amusement for us.
The way they dress, the way they move, some of the funny.
Delaware is funny.
The way the Cuban community tries to say the word Delaware is funny.
They can't say it.
They can't say the whole thing.
I think what we're getting into now is the fact that what we at the Lampoon Radio Hour are going to have to do
is come up, perhaps, with more in-depth discussions of alternatives to traditional humorous sources.
And so you can expect from now on, instead of your usual one, two, three jokes,
you're going to be getting a lot of discussions like this
and hopefully a few real important tips on how you can conserve humor at home.
Summing up, I guess we could just say that the next 25 years aren't going to be very funny.
How many times have you heard someone say,
Mother of God, my lava lamp is on the blink again.
I'd pay big bucks to anyone who could fix it properly.
Well, that anyone could be you.
Here's Mel Dormstore to explain how.
Hello, I'm Raoul Ribbons, author of Stalking the Nightlife in Cleveland.
Did you know that some parts of a banana tree are edible?
It's true.
The rich, juicy fruit of a banana tree is aptly named the banana.
For centuries, man has pondered over the proper use of the banana fruit,
until one day I came along and ate one.
After weeks of trial and error,
I even discovered a method by which I could remove the outer skin,
called the peel, a rather appealing discovery.
Much like the appealing qualities of 7-Up, the un-cola.
You see, 7-Up is always light, clean, refreshing,
with never an artificial aftertaste.
Yes, 7-Up, the un-cola,
is a perfectly natural complement to all kinds of natural foods.
Why, having some food without 7-Up?
It's kind of like trying to get fur from a chicken.
Incidentally, did you know that many parts of a chicken are edible?
It's true.
The thigh makes meat.
Hi, I'm Frank Rizzo,
asking you to give generously to help support
the Philadelphia Police League for Retarded Children.
This is the worthy organization that gives a retarded child
the opportunity to become a policeman.
Founded in 1844,
the League provides training in every aspect of crime prevention,
from tying one's own shoelace to lying on the hook.
Many of the youngsters aided by the League
have risen to high position in law enforcement.
In fact, all of us have.
So please help us to rid the streets of morons,
psychopaths, and mental defectors,
and put them where they belong, on the force.
Just a reminder for our radio listeners
that The End of the World is going to come next Tuesday at 4.30 p.m.,
and the Department of Health has requested homeowners
to unplug all electrical appliances,
turn off radios and TV sets,
and disconnect gas stoves and furnaces.
The post office recommends that you mail early in the day,
and for those with automobiles,
alternate side of the street parking will be suspended.
That's The End of the World, next Tuesday at 4.30 p.m.
Mark it down.
Now let's get cozy in recipe corner.
Last week's recipe for tuna melt,
a popular sandwich dish,
was unfortunately given incorrectly.
So here is a correction to last week's recipe.
The cheese used in tuna melt
is grilled, not frilled cheese.
Our guest in the studio today
is Mr. Vern M. Huckstep
of Garden City, Long Island, New York.
And Mr. Huckstep is here to talk about a subject
that he's been investigating, researching,
and writing about for more than 45 years.
Now anyone who has studied or followed
the assassination of President Coolidge
will be familiar with Mr. Huckstep's work in this field,
and with his claim that the event was whitewashed at the time,
and crucial evidence suppressed.
Now he's written a book with some,
I think I may safely say,
any sensational new facts,
and even more sensational charges.
And we'd like to talk a little bit
about them here today.
Mr. Huckstep?
Yeah, before we go any further,
I'd just like to correct a small error of fact.
It's 46 years I've been investigating this matter,
not 45.
No, I'm terribly sorry.
46 years.
You may not think that's important,
but I do.
Oh, certainly.
I understand, sir.
Not 45, 46.
46 years.
I stand corrected, Mr. Huckstep,
and I appreciate you insisting on accuracy.
It's 46 years.
From 1927 to 1973 years,
what's that?
That's about 46 years.
And I have a calendar from 1927 that proves it.
Calendar?
I didn't say a calendar.
I said a photostatic copy of a calendar.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Anybody involved in this kind of investigative work
knows that a photostatic copy
is considered as a legal document,
just as legal as the original.
I see.
And incidentally, I might add here
that the original 1927 calendar
mysteriously disappeared.
And I put the word mysteriously
in quotes, you'll notice,
in 1936.
Now, that's a significant time lapse,
1927 to 1936,
if you followed the case at all closely.
Well, I'm afraid I don't quite know
what 1936 and a calendar have to do with it.
In 1937, I said, not 36.
No, I'm sorry.
I thought you said several times,
as a matter of fact, 1936.
I heard 1936.
No, no, no, I did not.
That was after the Lady in Blue
was seen in Plymouth, Vermont.
So obviously, I couldn't have said that.
The Lady in Blue?
If you've read chapter four of my book,
you'd see that I've traced her movements
from the day she left Washington
in June of 1927
until she met Coolidge's double
in that tourist cabin in Plymouth, Vermont.
The double?
Now, I don't follow that.
I can back it up.
I can back everything up with facts.
It's interesting that nobody has so far
come forward to dispute the version in my book.
It's very interesting
because the authorities have been foisting off
that story about the Lady in Red for years.
And my book proves it was a hoax the whole time.
Lady in Red?
Well, what about the Lady in Blue?
What?
What Lady in Blue?
Well, you just said.
No, no, no.
Then it was a Lady in Blue.
The point isn't the Lady in Red anyway.
The point is...
Yes, what is the point?
May I be allowed to finish my sentence, please?
Well, go right ahead, sir.
Mm-hmm.
The point is that the Thompson camera
was in a repair shop in Manchester, New Hampshire
from August 2nd
until either September 5th or September 6th
and could not possibly have been transported to Washington,
used over the weekend of the 8th and 9th,
then transported back to Plymouth
in time to be found by the owner of the boarding house
and turned over to Captain Pettigrew, as he claims.
That's complete and utter impossibility.
No, wait a minute.
Captain Pettigrew, I'm afraid, Mr. Huckstep,
you have me rather confused.
Maybe we should go back and start at the very beginning.
Ah, that's just the trouble.
I beg your pardon?
The beginning, that's exactly the wrong place to start.
That's where the other investigators have always gone wrong.
Why?
You see, this whole plot started at the end
and worked backwards to the beginning.
There are other people in this country who know that.
Mm-hmm.
But I'm the first one to put all the pieces together.
Well, I'm glad, and this is all very interesting, Mr. Huckstep,
but let me ask you just a very simple, direct,
and maybe a very stupid question,
but who assassinated President Coolidge?
I think that's an irrelevant question.
Irrelevant?
The real question is, and I answer it in my book
if you care to read it and find out.
Well, I read it.
Who did not assassinate President Coolidge?
That's what the authorities have been trying to suppress
for 44 years.
44 years?
That's what the Muncie hearings hushed up.
Muncie hearings?
That's what that unclaimed Brazilian laundry package was all about.
Brazilian laundry?
That's what the missing sausages explained.
That's why Philpott couldn't possibly have driven to Baltimore
when he said anything.
Philpott, Brazilian laundry, sausages, you have...
The police said 10 sausages, right?
Well...
Granger and Hyde both said 9.
Granger and Hyde.
But the official report only mentions 6.
What happened to the other two?
The other...
I don't understand.
There never were another two.
If you count the ones Hyde,
it says he left on his plate and never got back to
because the phone rang.
Mm-hmm.
And the one Granger said he ate while he was waiting.
Yes.
That leaves only three.
Three.
And the autopsy showed only two.
Two.
So there never were those other two sausages.
Mm-hmm.
Now, wait a minute.
I've actually reproduced that kitchen
and gone over it at least a thousand times.
That must have been exciting.
And I can tell you
that it is a physical impossibility
to get from that table to the telephone in the hall
in less than 35 steps.
I see.
So now you tell me.
Yes.
How did Hyde manage to eat a sausage,
put down his fork,
push back his chair,
get to his feet,
put his napkin down on the table,
walk 35 steps to the telephone,
talk for three minutes,
walk 35 steps back,
sit down,
and not see the lady in green
pass under the streetlight
when he was looking directly at it?
Well, that's a very interesting question.
And thank you very much,
Mr. Vern M. Huckstep,
for visiting with us today.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen
of the listening audience,
for tuning in.
We'll be back again
with another interesting,
excuse me, sir,
live guest at the same time
next week.
Good night.
And one more thing.
No, I'm sorry,
we don't have time.
How did Granger,
Mr. Huckstep,
if he was left-handed,
would you say,
reach in his inside
left breast jacket pocket
for the cigars?
He was wearing the jacket.
That's very interesting.
Thank you very much.
Those cigarettes never existed.
No, I'm sure they do.
We don't have time to search.
This is the National Lampoon Radio Hour.
Do you know about germs?
They're tiny little things
that are so small.
Unless we look through a microscope,
we can't see them at all.
But they're there.
Just the same.
But don't worry about germs.
Let's keep ourselves clean.
Our hands and our faces
in all the places
where the dirty little germs
like to play.
Let's wash them away.
If dope smoking
doesn't damage your brain,
how come so many teeny boppers
think Cheech and Chong are funny?
And now,
the best bad news of the week.
A capsule summary
of the most awful,
terrible,
and horrible things
that occurred
during the past seven days.
Illness strikes
all over the United States
and throughout both
the free and communist worlds,
men, women, and children
got sick.
Some got to doctors
and a few recovered.
But most are still sick right now
and spreading their diseases
rampantly to friends
and loved ones.
The outlook?
More sickness
as invisible germs
continue to infest the world.
On the accident scene,
this was a week
of millions of accidents.
Accidents in the home
took their usual grim toll.
Accidents on the jobs
and countless innocent men
and women home in bandages.
Accidents on the highways
wreak carnage
from coast to coast.
With population density increasing,
experts predict the possibility
in the not-too-distant future
of a massive chain reaction accident
which will maim and mutilate
every living thing
in one fell swoop.
Mistakes continue to be made this week,
rearing their ugly heads
in everything from wrong decisions
by housewives
that resulted in bad-tasting meals
for their families
to major misjudgments
by political leaders
that may bring the world
to the very brink
of war and annihilation.
Fires continue to break out
in small towns
and large cities,
in lonely farms
and bustling manufacturing centers.
Firemen fought them valiantly,
but untold destruction occurred
even before the first alarms
were rung.
Jilting continued, too.
All through the United States,
tearful lovers
contemplated suicide.
And yes, friends,
many of these sad rejects
have already taken
or are about to take
their own lives.
In addition,
countless nice guy,
high school and college students
were refused dates
by girls they found attractive
and spent Saturday night
staring at the walls
and feeling inadequate.
Arguments,
too many to count this week,
even among normally good-natured
and loving people
who just pop their corks
without warning,
sending loved ones
into a frenzy
of tears and disillusionment.
Mental illness
continued to grip
countless numbers
of unhappy people
and the number of men and women
who think their Napoleon
is hot.
On the science scene,
entropy,
the cumulative physical process
which scientists believe
will one day bring about
the end of the universe,
continued as usual.
And now to sports.
Many teams played this week,
all with high hopes
in their hearts,
but half of them lost
and went home
with a sick,
disappointed feeling
in their gut.
And finally,
the weather.
Many areas of the world
reporting sub-freezing temperatures.
Temperatures so cold,
it's actually painful
just to step out into them.
But step out into them
is just what millions
of unhappy people
had to do.
At the same time,
other places reported
almost unbearable
heat and humidity,
enough to make people
sweaty and irritable
and to cause virtual epidemics
of fainting spells.
In still other places,
major blizzards erupted
and brought traffic
to a standstill,
forcing the innocent
to stay in their homes
and listlessly watch TV
or read.
In other places,
unrelenting rains
destroyed picnic plans,
forced little children
to stay indoors
where they drove
their mothers crazy.
Naturally,
it all resulted
in more and more water
accumulating on the surface
of the earth,
setting the stage
for major floods
that will soon leave
thousands,
perhaps millions,
homeless
if they survive.
And that's the best
bad news of the week,
friends.
Hope you enjoyed it
and have yourself
a good day.
I'm Amelia,
flying into oblivion.
Black,
you know,
where's the key joke?
I mean,
you know,
like the five-sided,
you know,
always has an off-the-wall joke,
you know,
about the key
or the lid
or the mic
or something like that,
you know,
get the drug reference,
you know?
I'm crashing.
Yeah,
yeah,
more that sort of thing.
The cavalcade
of nonviolent sports
is on the air.
Today,
nonviolent boxing.
In our studio prize ring,
we have two
of the world's
top lightweights
ready to do battle
not with fast fists
but with lightning wits
delivering verbal blows only.
Okay, boys,
come out talking.
dancing around.
I'm circling around.
I'm dancing.
I'm circling.
And a quick right cross.
I give you a left jab.
Yeah,
but it glances off my shoulder
and I duck away
and send a fast left hook
which I foil with my right
and now I'm,
I'm dancing around,
I'm circling around,
I'm looking for the kill.
Yeah,
and I'm hitching up my trunks.
yeah,
well,
now I'm wading in.
left upper cut.
you got me on the jaw.
I'm tased.
I see stars and planets
and everything's red.
I grab you in a clinch.
Get your hands off me.
The ref pushes us apart.
Now I hit you on the ear
with my right cross
and you're real and...
wow,
you said it.
I'm woozy.
but I straighten up
and backpedal.
I'm in terrific shape.
Yeah,
but I come after you again.
A solid left to the midsection
and a right to the jaw.
Hey,
wait,
wait,
what's the matter?
You got me below the belt
with that one.
I did not.
You did too.
You don't have to cheat.
What are you,
you calling me a cheater?
I didn't say that.
I just said you don't have to cheat.
Okay,
okay,
okay.
Now I give you an uppercut
to the right side of the head.
that hurt.
I'm bleeding from a cut over the eye.
Well,
now I,
I sort of shuffle around.
I'm just watching you,
you know.
I'm trying to,
yeah,
I'm trying to wipe the blood
out of my eyes.
I'm hurt.
but I'm still game.
I'm still game,
right.
You don't know the meaning
of the word quit.
Right,
right,
I don't know the meaning
of the word quit.
Right,
right,
now,
now,
now,
I'm on the attack again.
Left to the body,
right to the jaw,
left,
right,
left,
right,
left.
I dropped like a sack of potatoes.
And you?
I'm raising my arms
in a victory gesture.
But now I'm struggling
to my feet,
and the ref is keeping you away.
Jeez,
you got the heart of a lion.
And the strength of a bull.
I'm fighting on pure instinct now.
Yeah,
but I smell blood.
I give you another uppercut
to the jaw
and right to the face
and a left and a right.
I'm like a windmill in there
mixing up my punches.
And I'm down again,
I'm down again.
yeah.
Hey,
hold it,
hold it.
What's the matter?
What's,
damn it,
I mean,
look,
you tripped me.
Tripped?
What,
what are you talking about?
You tripped me.
Look,
you palooka,
I don't have to trip you to win.
Boy,
I hate a cheater.
a cheater?
Listen,
you call me that one more time
and I'm really gonna give you
one to the side of the head.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Let's just see you try,
you dried up little wimp.
Listen,
you fruit,
how do you like a kick in the face?
Hey,
no one calls me a fruit
on the air or not on the air,
you faggot.
Don't call me no faggot.
Yeah,
how do you like that?
This has been another presentation
in your cavalcade
of non-violent sports.
Listen in next time
for the World Championship
Verbal Fencing Match,
direct from Oxford University
in Oxford, England.
Hi there,
I'm a lava lamp repairman
and the,
excuse me a second.
Hello?
What's that you say?
Your lava lamp conked out
and you want me to fix it?
Well,
maybe the soonest I can fit you in
is four or five months from now
and it'll cost you an arm and a leg.
Sure thing,
I'll see you then.
I'm sorry,
but that keeps up all day
when you're a lava lamp repairman.
Why,
last Tuesday,
Mel Dormstor,
why don't you tell the folks
how they can become
lava lamp repairmen?
I'm afraid I just can't spare the time.
Hello?
Hello?
Yeah?
Yeah?
Well,
it'll cost you a bundle.
Okay.
Yeah,
I'll see you then.
Hello!
Hello.
My name is little Mary Ellen Fendigisi.
I'm 11 years old
and I'm as cute as a button.
And that's probably why
Warner Paperback Library
has asked me
to do a book report
on their new
National Lampoon
Letters from the Editor's Book.
I like the book very much.
It has a good topic sentence
and plenty of character development.
It's very funny
and I fell out of my swing
onto the dirt
laughing at some of the jokes.
It has 196 pages
counting both covers
and it sells for 95 cents
up at Mr. DelGaudio's candy store.
I'm sure it sells everywhere else,
but this is where I got my copy.
I think everyone
should read this book
because if they did,
they'd all be
too busy laughing
to make war on each other
and too busy laughing
to pollute all the air
I have to breathe.
I have to go now
and play with my creative clay,
but be sure to buy a copy
of the Lampoon Letters
from the Editor's Book.
How was that, Uncle Manny?
Hi, it's me.
Here to remind you
that the contributors
to tonight's
National Lampoon Radio Hour
are in alphabetical order
Mark Lodonio,
Bob Tischler,
Georgia Golia,
Henry Beard,
Ann Beats,
Polly Beard,
David Bloom,
Ed Bluestone,
Chevy Chase,
Wendy Craig,
Sidney Davis,
Bob Dryden,
Andrew Duncan,
Paul Ginsberg,
Christopher Guest,
Nate Herman,
Bob Hoban,
Judy Jacklin,
Sean Kelly,
Douglas Kenney,
Bruce McCall,
Brian McConaughey,
Bob Perry,
Paul Price,
Guy Sorrell,
Ed Sibitzky,
Jerry Sussman,
Alan Swift,
Vernon Taft,
George W. Westrow,
and of course,
Gracie Whitebread.
As you probably know,
the situations portrayed
in the show
are fictitious
as are the characterizations.
You know,
we Lampoon editors
are often asked,
is it necessary
to be sick to be funny?
Can't you guys
gently poke fun
at society's foibles
without going hot wild?
Is everything you do
have to be filled
with gratuitous sex
and senseless violence
and shock for the sake
of shock?
Well,
the answer needless
to say is yes.
Without our gratuitous sex
and senseless violence
and shock for the sake
of shock,
we're in a lot of trouble.
So don't ask us
these questions anymore
because really
it's a sore point.
Uh, next week
we'll be taking a look
at the South Vietnamese Army.
Men who don't know
the meaning of the word fear
or the word table
or sandwich,
wind,
or much of anything really.
And Babs Brightfeather,
the Skating Navajo,
will be back with us
to give a listen.
Until then,
consider this.
If women's liberation
were really all that important,
how come Gloria Steinem
hasn't been assassinated
by now?
Hmm?
Hmm?
On, on,
quiet some wobbles,
the goose.
The National Lampoon Radio Hour
has been brought to you
by 7-Up,
the Uncola.
