I really wanted this to be...
a collective podcast and the energy flows to me primarily first.
for our human quest of mother.
This is going to be another benting session until...
And I'm really excited to talk about this topic even if it is just with myself because
diving deep into this topic of
through of our addictions as created a beautiful awareness about myself and about people in general and how we as people never gave the world. How we as people perceived the world and the deeper and more
intense challenges when it comes to eversing traumas and stepping out of the space of survival.
the space of sovereignty, whatever it looks like for the individual.
So for today's build, it is being courted for my podcast was so collected. Really excited to be holding space here.
And the topic for today is the root of our addictions. And we can start our flow into some in different awarenesses with this topic.
And I'd like to give some incentive for
give some awareness about.
topic. So there is this doctor and psychologist.
And if you have not written them, I would highly suggest you.
looking him up and googling him.
because he is very transformative and
very talented in describing and giving clarity to what happens to a person.
The first time they are introduced to a traumatic event happening, person experience.
and how that individual then journeys through life with that trauma being a main part of their identity or with the awareness of the trauma and actively learning to reverse it.
So, Dr. Gabor Mate says that addiction is not just the usage of a substance in a
abusive manner to escape something, a feeling, a happening, a mental or emotional state of being.
He says that addiction is anything, any character trait, any substance, any habitual pattern, any way of thinking, any
being essentially that we use to escape our traumas.
or the things that we don't want to admit to acknowledge or face in our lives. Whether that be an experience, whether that be a feeling or a person.
A trauma is not something bad happening to us or around us.
adapt to or create due to a happening experience of person that took us out of feeling safe and into the space of survival mode.
relationship that wasn't.
and also nature and loving.
Or just being in a harsh environment like a group in New York City. Pretty fucking harsh environment. A space where everybody is always on the go and nobody is really paying attention to.
what it is to be a human being. So what this awareness of what trauma is and what addiction is, what's not the day, the question of the mates.
for us to really take space to think about what our addictions are.
And to take space to think about if we want to be so out of control of our habitual patterns that we don't
acknowledge these addictions and look for a solution for healthier living, healthier expression of our emotions and healthier mental
What I'm realizing is that
A lot of my addictions are of the substances and more habitual parathoristics, romantic perspectives and patterns. One could have said that at one point in time, I was addicted to cigarettes and I was addicted to smoking marijuana.
When I got pregnant with my son, I quit smoking cigarettes that day.
and never thought to pick up cigarettes again.
And it's an interesting nuance with that we'll discuss later.
And then as far as marijuana.
just recently quit that. I think it's going on.
I think it's going on three weeks now and I haven't had an urge to
to it or to outsource marijuana, nor have I had any like mood swings or irritation due to cutting cold turkey. So my being is not very much in the state of addictions to substances, however.
character choice that I do have is I am addicted to attention in a very specific way. Like when I desire attention from a specific individual, it is very much an unhealthy
obsess over obtaining validation or attention from a person that makes me feel safe.
the origin of bad addiction comes from
Spending my childhood not feeling loud and not feeling validated and so Growing up and then outsourcing that validation that little girl never had
sense of it is okay to be from my peers and those whose opinions I value which not many people
So my expression of this desire for attention is very specific in its nature.
And I also realized that I am addicted to isolating myself. And this is a defense mechanism that I have created to feel safe.
place of barrier between rejection and my experience with relationships and building them, maintaining them, creating them.
I have often felt like my height is so big and
I am so sensitive to energy.
entertain energies that are take us.
that I'm manipulators and
are willing to use the power I be.
when I do not reclaim power over self.
So isolation is for me too.
Head away from the hard conversations, especially when it comes to letting go.
where it comes to building.
relationships and stating or communicating what I desire.
feeling heard and feeling safe in those environments.
I isolate when I realize that I don't want to be the martyr anymore in the relationship. And too often isolating is
a common theme I feel like in relationships because we were never taught how to
maintain healthy relationships, nor will we talk how to end them in a healthy way. And saying it in a healthy way doesn't mean that it always feels great. It more so means that it's authentic in its nature and honest and truthful.
I'm creating awareness around that in this moment.
dive deeper into the awareness of these addictions. Let's see if I can figure out some more.
I have created an addictive pattern of nature as well. I am a mother of two beautiful powerful energies.
I've had first intimate dream then to distract myself from the lack of nurture that I feel at times.
Creating awareness for that in this moment just makes me so happy for my decisions to let go of certain relationships and certain business partnerships because I'm really in a space where I am ready to
point to my own cup and love myself fully.
I am in a space where I am ready to align with reciprocal relationships that point to me and fulfill me as I fulfill them.
I am so excited to step out of the habitual pattern of isolation and instead of allowing that energetic
to remain until I'm ready to be the martyr again, actually cutting the cord of those things and creating space for myself to
to live fully and from my healed space where relationships are not transactional but more of a genuine, authentic, growing level collectively. Hey, yx, I see you're on.
And I'm just building with myself in this moment, talking about my own addictive patterns and analyzing myself in this moment as I waited for someone to join.
So let me know if you do want to come and speak and if not, I will just continue building.
It feels good to be here where I am authentically communicating versus allowing myself to hide my inner gods and my feelings and emotions and relationships.
because the addicted pattern of both attention seeking and isolation are both too
extremes, but they're polar opposites as well. So one is very forceful in its nature.
which is the attention seeking where I am proactive, saying, "Hey, you're going to see me no matter what, and I am here." And in that space of proactive seeking attention, it's not necessarily authentically being because there's still a nature in which you're trying to be versus simply being.
and that addictive pattern can create this delusion that you are confident in nature or you are feeling in control of something that we all don't have control of. Emulations should
dynamics as always, a two, three, four away street whoever is involved. And so that awareness of the dance between control of self and surrendering to the
all is a beautiful happening and when I find myself in the addictive pattern of attention seeking, I don't actually create space to have that experience of surrendering. It's just
active control or seek into obtain control.
And then the polar opposite of isolation is very much me withdrawing and fully surrendering and reclaiming none of my power. So placing me in
The most dangerous of spaces, not because the environment is dangerous, but more so because
The being that I am is not being, it is just allowing. It is just
saying, "Bucket, I give up and take control of everything." And those two nuances I'm realizing is like something that I've actually played with my entire life between
forcing having control, full control, and then allowing and surrendering to everything. And in the space that I'm in right now, where I'm actively analyzing that and
altering the reason which I have allowed myself to be or express my being.
I am finding my happy medium.
following my intuition. It looks like
because the awareness of my power has always been there.
But being in my power has not always been there.
Addictions are tricky, right? Because
Much like a habitual pattern has been or had time to ferment and root in your being so do addictions, whether it be a substance or
characteristic pattern away of perceiving the world. And so when this addiction is rooted in your being, it can be very difficult and challenging.
getting under that rooting to essentially pull up the weed.
And not like a dandelion weed, which is actually quite beneficial for our being, but the weed that
create toxins in the earth, the earth being our body, our soul, our resident energy outside of any type of trauma. And so
I have been doing that intentional digging.
And of course, when you're doing that intentional digging, the universe grants you opportunity to solidify.
that choice to change and to essentially release your addiction.
It's a different kind of experience because I don't find
Many programs or spaces out there that talk about reversing character changed. A lot of spaces kind of glaze over the root cause of
the ways in which we express ourselves and our energy.
Not many spaces are talking about the ways in which our childhood or our experiences that we have navigated before adulthood have created
that we then feel the need to suppress because a wound that
becomes this infectious monster that just
starts to affect different parts of the body, the pain is unbearable, and that is what we are hiding from essentially. And so taking space intentionally not to hide from that.
means that I must first feel and express the energy of that wound that I have not addressed for so many years, like I'm 29 now.
And I can remember wounds that were created since I was about three.
and are in the same space of feeling and sex in the same space of feeling and hate and bad.
And knowing that I was different, knowing that I was special, but never getting a chance to have that validated.
And that is a crucial part of development, especially in the root chakra ages.
Between one and seven. Where are your mother?
is supposed to be validating the being that you are. That doesn't mean that
you're being coddled or like shit is just going your way. And it does mean like having the awareness that you are seeing, that you can take up space, that it is okay to be.
And those foundations, those foundational periods were very fucked up for me just for lack of better words. And having that experience and then being in the environment in which I was in, which was in New York City, Brooklyn and Harlem, there were a lot of dynamics that reminded me that
It's not safe to be everywhere. So I will go outside and realize it wasn't safe to be there. And then I will come back home and it wasn't safe to be there either.
And so, not that I am diving into the reversal of that survival mode that I
created to survive and get this far.
I am noticing a lot of challenges in that space.
I'm noticing a lot of feelings that I remember why I didn't want to feel them.
Especially since no one wants to be a rage monster all day. Nobody wants to.
go around just being angry.
And what I'm noticing is that
a lot of times when these feelings come up.
a habitual pattern for me to move around a lot more.
It's a habitual pattern for me to...
try to exercise or at the time when I was young I would be doing martial arts. Got hell of strong, knew how to kill people, but I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I didn't know how to sit still and allow the rage to consume me without breaking something or destroying something.
And so now that I have two beautiful babies that essentially depend on me not to destroy them, I am a lot more intentional in my healing.
journey and they really did save me and they broke me out of a lot of the substance abuse that I was diving into at the time.
They broke me out of killing myself.
both metaphorically and physically to be earnest.
And so I find it to be very interesting.
our M.B.s collective communities where there is a safe place to be.
I find it to be a lot easier to navigate reversing traumas and reversing addictive patterns and behaviors.
And in this time in my life, I am intentionally
aligning with individuals.
That can be a part of my safe space and be the reminder that I am not alone having the human experience.
tools, a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear.
so that the validation that I did look for when I was a kid can present itself in the next.
the safe spaces that I have created.
my entire life of working for myself.
which really began at the age of...
I want to say 2021. So about nine years ago, where I was a vent coordinating and event planning, I was subconsciously concocted.
those are biomage, I'm realizing, to create safe spaces for myself and to create safe spaces where I could commune with other people and that isolate myself.
If it was good to be aware that I have always kind of been trying to
pure octalators of survival and step into the space of sovereignty. I've always been very interested in psychology and it's tied to the emotional body and it's tied to the physical body as well.
Because if we think about our spirit or the energy that we be in this human experience, that's not actually ever touched until Swan talks a lot about that.
our emotions can trick us into believing that we are broken or that we have been
physically affected by something and oftentimes
that feeling that we're having dives up from wounds that we have
negated to address. And so of course, like anyone that bested. And so the pain from a breakup feels like a building dropping on your body because
that paint from a breakup triggers the lack of safety you felt with your parents or the lack of safety you felt
in your school environment or in your living situation.
or the fact that whatever environment you grew up in,
just wasn't a safe one and created survival mode. So like the one time that you open up and decide to
with an individual, especially on a romantic sense, and it doesn't go the way that you planned, because really what's happening is just transitions and it can go the way you planned.
You think your world ends because it just reminds you further that you don't feel seen and that you don't feel hurt and you don't feel safe.
And so navigating that awareness.
that your spiritual being, your energetic being is never actually touched. You always remain whole, even throughout the most dramatic experiences.
creates space for me to really dive into what is going on there and how to both allow the experience of pain at whatever intensity or volume it happens to
Create space to be expressed.
creating an awareness for individuals, I think it is the end of the world when it's really not. Creating space for us to have the experience.
or the feeling and that allow the emotional, the feeling and experience to have us.
And I find that when I am living from the heart, it's a lot easier to do that.
Choosing to open your heart is easiest said and done in some aspects for a lot of people
especially because our world is full of traumas.
in our world is for pain. And a lot of transitions are natural because change is inevitable.
is taught to us as something to feel hurt by.
And really that comes from America's need for conquering things and this need for control and the
distraction that has been concocted.
in the matrix that it is natural to have the human experience alone. So when things are happening, we automatically believe that no one can understand or no one is here to support us or hold space for us. And that's like
almost never the case outside of choice. We do choose at some point in time to isolate.
Survival habit and all and
When we take space to pause and not jump strictly into trying to
take control of whatever is left to be controlled once we feel out of control of our being.
realized that we really just sometimes need it here or we need to know that we're being heard.
or we need to know that it's safe to be.
And we've gotten so far from the travel we have living in the communal space that
Everyone selling the antidote to pain, but no one says that that antidote is community. No one says that antidote is learning to be human again, going back to nature.
express in this moment and have this build.
I am recognizing the reason why.
I have always been in the space of community building.
and why it's always been an important part for me to offer to the world. Not to mention my house before this transition. My house has always been a safe space for people, people who have just come in and out, me as a space to stay, I would be the space.
Though the expression of that was unhealthy for me because it was not a reciprocal build, I do love my open heart and I do love my natural affinity to take care of people because with the life that I lived, I could have easily been a fucked up individual in a different way.
I could have easily been a mass murderer or a fucking psychopath, right? And choosing to be love instead is so powerful.
And I'm grateful that did choose that because now I get to have this conversation. I'm having right now and realizing
meeting myself and allowing myself to be creating that safe space for myself that I didn't have in a child and then offering that
And so I guess the next steps for me are
allowing myself to actually build in the community space.
not from a space of tolerance either.
awareness of the beings I choose to surround myself with and give my energy to. In what ways I want to share my energy with individuals.
First and foremost, learning to point to myself first.
because when we perform at empty cup,
Everyone drowns and drowns thirst. Everyone dies as there's can drown in thirst because drowning
means that you actually have water to give.
energy. So just being aware of that and
not being like a little child and being so excited in what is to come because it is already here but the physical manifestation of it and forcing it to be a reality now.
especially in the ways in which I look at it or see it or be it. So, learning patients.
learning how to build relationships.
that are reciprocal in its nature.
I don't want to use the word "roans" but they do exist. So, I'm learning the roles in which I play in people's lives and in which they have speaks to play in mind.
Because with what Gabor Mate is talking about, when he is even referencing addictions and traumas, is that the one thing that is missing is the one thing that
And that is learning again how to be a community. Learning again how to be a tribe. Learning again how to
being tribal spaces, because
If not now, then win. Right? But, if everything in the world is reminding us to come back to each other. Like, the recessions happening in America, blah, blah, blah.
And I wonder how many of us are thinking to live together collectively. I am curious to know how many of us will
Remember that there is a life still even if we don't.
even if we don't do everything by ourselves because American society definitely promotes this whole I'm going to do it by myself and I'm going to
have my own house, have my own crib, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do#
is maintained solo. Like a team is necessary in some aspects at all times.
and so having that awareness.
I feel like it will be very influential.
especially in the next upcoming months, next upcoming years.
And I'm finally realizing what I want to do in this space that is
presenting itself in the world.
That being that I really always have loved navigating the body. I've always been very in tune with energy and reading that energy and I look forward to creating space for people to navigate that within themselves.
Whether it be understanding how energy is expressed in the body, learning how to use that energy or express that energy in a way that is advantageous to both you and those around you.
learning time and frame and time and place to be fully and how to do that.
be the example of first and foremost. And so these next eight months.
as I continue to heal intentionally, as I continue to unlock aspects of myself that are
so powerful that I'm realizing that so many people have seen and have used. I'm looking forward to using them myself and I'm looking forward to navigating
not having an addictive personality or not using addictions to hide from myself. Because I find that it's very important in these next
years to not hide anymore. I find that authenticity is what most needed in these spaces because everyone's healing but everyone is trying to make it look pretty and everyone is trying to
Act like addictions are not a big part of our habitual patterns because we have been taught that addictions are mainly sourced to substances and
There are more people addicted to characteristics and habitual patterns and mental perspectives than there are those addicted to substances. I mean, I am an example of that where I was smoking three kinds of cigarettes.
it today. And that was easier for me to give up than isolating. That was easier for me to give up than needing attention. That was easier for me to give up than
go in between two polar opposites of meeting control.
are feeling so helpless that I surrendered to everything.
So I feel like reading awareness around this topic is very important. I definitely plan to have this conversation again. I'm grateful that I decided to still have the conversation because
Sometimes it's good to just put the energy awareness out there, the energy of acceptance, the energy of love, unconditional love.
And as I step out of the space of needing control of everything outside of myself and reclaiming my control of myself, my power on my mind and the way that I navigate the world.
I'm looking forward to allowing myself
be safe, knowing that I'm already safe and then allowing my physical reality to express that back to me. I'm looking forward to creating community, I'm looking forward to
because it is time to get back to nature.
So, thank you all for listening.
I feel like this conversation may have been longer than I like.
back and forth, but I have expressed all on my heart to express and I appreciate you all for listening.
Have a great rest of your life.